Sun sign stuff for Monday 7th–Sunday 13th September, 2009

This week has Mercury tipping out the contents of his wardrobe to find the perfect spotty skirt to go with his green, stripy top. He’s only doing it to annoy Venus; she’s too busy asking Uranus why he insists on winding up Saturn and doing big loving with Jupiter to notice until Saturday. Mars loses it in the dinner queue—can’t Neptune understand he’s only got fifteen minutes for lunch, busy, busy—so Neptune serves him The Mushroom omelette, which keeps him quiet for the rest of the week. Meanwhile Pluto takes a deep sigh, slowly grinds his ciggy butt under his heel, and prepares to open the classroom door, wondering what mess we divots have made of his lesson plan this time.

Virgo

Hiss, honk, hiss, honk, hiss, honk. You’ve tried goosie treats, you’ve researched goose psychology. Still the honking, still the hiss. Say boo to that goose, good and loud. The goose racket will get louder through next week; if it’s all too much, stuff it.

Libra

Well, I don’t know where you put the keys; where did you last see them? When they turn up on Friday get a spare cut and keep it between two plant pots at the bottom of your garden. Mind the spider. Not only are you more scared of it than it is of you, it has more legs. Yours are hairier though.

Scorpio

With Neptune playing silly buggers with your traditional ruler, there’s a good chance you’ll dream of getting up for a glass of water on Tuesday night,  only to wake and discover you’re nuddy naked on a stage in front of your graduation class. Think of all the new Facebook friend invites and raise a single, saucy eyebrow.

Sagittarius

Three little words for Friday:  Tunak Tunak Tun

(P.S, love you best.)

Capricorn

Oh! said Uncle Bob, when Spandau Ballet came on the radio, Is this Tony? Thought I recognised his voice. This week, Capricorn, just like Uncle Bob you too might discover a personal connection with compulsively terrible eighties pop. Embrace it—from here on calming your deep down and dirty inner psychoses will be a doddle—but do clean your radio.

Aquarius.

Genocide is never the answer. Well, hardly ever.

Pisces

The ruler of your second house is having a bit of a barney with your own ruler this week, oh fishy one. Check your credit card bill for bulk purchases of water bombs, and duck. That’s a verb.

Aries

Guard your sarnies on Monday. A Libran will swear they are hers, even though you know she doesn’t like Branston. This goes deep. Sort it out by Wednesday or you’ll be quite light headed.

Taurus

On Wednesday, the Moon in your sign falls out with just about everybody. A sharp stick could be the answer. And don’t speak with your mouth full.

Gemini

This week you’ll be busy reworking plans, restating dreams, revisiting grievances, retelling old stories. You love it. Check your audience: are they still breathing? Does it matter?

Cancer

Family, that’s what it’s all about. Fahhmly. On Sunday, you’ll lasso the extended tribe round for a traditional roast dinner. You’ll sit stroppy bossyboots Aunty Shirl at the head of the table, then eclipse her with your giant dish of roasties and the carving knife. There will be the old snarking when your sister-in-law spots Nanna’s serving spoon which should have gone to her Dave. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t be using the battered old thing unless to provoke. Let them out before Songs of Praise. No, really, unlock the door and release them to their fate—if your sense of identity depends on submitting your family to an extended passive aggressive bout of who’s in or out of your favour, let them go—your stuffing creates quite a build up, they’re running out of air.

Leo

Leo. Leo, Leo, Leo.

That’s all you need right there, isn’t it, you splendid creature.

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3 Responses to “Sun sign stuff for Monday 7th–Sunday 13th September, 2009”


  1. 1 Gruff September 6, 2009 at 9:06 am

    I must remember not be left alone in a room with an Aquarian unless I am armed with a sharp stick.

  2. 3 selila September 6, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    true. we believe deeply in efficiency.


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