Sun Sign Horoscopage, Mon 14th-Sun 20th Sept 2009.

Not the easiest of weeks. Tuesday is daft. The whole week’s a bit daft, but Tuesday’s the day your mouth will be too full of bitten tongue and strange pudding to remark on the daftness. Certainly don’t book that departmental daftness deregulation meeting for Tuesday.

Mercury’s walking backwards without looking, as an experiment in time and relative dimensions in personal space. He jiggles Jupiter’s abundant applecart on Monday, grinds his stiletto heel into Pluto’s pinkie on Thursday, crashes through Libra and Virgo’s boundary trellis on Friday, and ends the week by headbutting the Sun. There’s a joke here about the old trickster Loki-ing where he’s going, but it’s a poor one and I’m not about to make it.

Saturn’s had better times. He continues to pointedly ignore Neptune, who is characteristically oblivious, being too bound up with Venus in a heady knot of fantasy and earthy sensuality that leaves a regrettable answerphone message and rather grubby fingernails.

Meanwhile, Uranus reverses into Saturn’s personal parking space again, tagging his senior managerial sign with a biological hieroglyph of ultramarine spray paint. It’ll be cleaned up by Thursday, but the pictures are already on the Internet. This is going to be good.

The New Moon on Friday keeps her wishes in a little tin box tucked in her garter, for safer times.



Watch out for Tuesday. No matter how much your mate assures you that spliff will help your creative block, there’s a chance you’ll lose a couple of days and come to declaiming your superiority over the whole of Greater Manchester from the top of the Arndale carpark. Ah, Thursdays.


Your routine is shot this week, and the kids are being gits. Diffuse trouble by taking a big cake into work on Monday—or flapjacks, flapjacks are always good—and proclaim Tuesday ‘Beer and Pie Day’. I know I’m talking your language.


I once met an astrologer who said Geminee, just like that: Geminee. Not Gemineye, but GeminEEEE. It didn’t half make me jump. Boing, said Geminee. That’s your fact for the week, and generally this week, boing is good. Don’t lose your bounce.


Tuesday is the day for getting others to do your bidding. It won’t always be so easy. Please don’t sulk. Look, now I’m feeling bad. Sorry.


As I type this, unexpected A Team theme tune gently plaits into the birdsong drifting through the open patio doors (sounds nice, doesn’t it, but the garden’s a building site and the house is a tip, and not in a Virgo Very Clean Really way). This week make a time to lie back, raise a glass, and love it when a plan comes together.


How some of you are going to fit in a birthday this week, I don’t know. On Monday, check under the sink for bleach and Vim, and in the bathroom cabinet for antiseptic and elastoplast. The new moon in your sign on Friday will have you wishing hard for one small reliable thing to hang your metaphorical jacket upon, and a cat with blunter claws. To avoid living it all again, squish any groundhogs you might see on Sunday.


Last Monday, as Mercury turned retrograde, Samoa decided to start driving on the left. Samoa’s two big neighbours drive on the left, therefore it’s believed it’ll be easier for non-affluent Samoans to get hold of suitable used cars. People are rattled: the Samoan streets were reportedly near deserted on Monday; shops have been banned from selling booze for a week to let the drunk drivers focus, and Samoa’s Cuban buses have been taken off the road to change their doors from the right to the left, the better to avoid passenger squishage.

Libra, of course you can see both sides of the Samoan situation. It’s what you do. Cheaper, more accessible transport eventually, meanwhile, no booze, no buses, and a strong sense that order has been reversed. Take a tip from Samoa this week: look right, look left, look right again before crossing the road, and be very careful on public transport. Just until the weekend.


On Thursday, look up as you pass the Arndale carpark. You might see a tiny figure right at the top, shouting out—their holler caught and diffused in the breeze—about how they are superior to all other Beans. The faker. You know, quietly, deep down somewhere behind your navel, that you have ultimate dominion over all other Beans. I can tell by the way you use your walk.


You won’t be able to afford the shoes as well as pay the blackmail tab. Choices, eh. He’ll tell in a couple of weeks anyway, so go for the shoes. They’re shiny. Forget the Cuban heels, go for the clickable Kansas ones.


Step away from the dahlias, Henry Pulling, your phone’s about to ring.


Like Aunt Augusta, Aquarius, you are more closely related to Capricorn than you realise. He, the retired in heart, you, the aged nutter Aunt [alleged]. Don’t hang up: you’ve tall tales of travels, a dream of a fresh love, and you’re uniquely placed to do the telling.


When she was small, sweet, serious, and many years before teenage, my daughter asked if she could recite to me the ‘poem’ she’d learnt at school that day. Our Father, she intoned from the kitchen floor, Who hard hit Kevin. This week, Pisces, you’re Kevin.


14th - 20th September 09

2 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage, Mon 14th-Sun 20th Sept 2009.”

  1. 1 GarethFW September 12, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    The garden isn’t a “building site”, it’s a creative space.

    • 2 distractedastrologer September 12, 2009 at 2:39 pm

      Perhaps you could cut the grass around the edge of the creative space to make up for being in Londonshire for your beer and pie night.

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