Sun Sign Horoscopage 28th September–4th October 2009

Mercury gives up this week and starts to go home. He’s retraced his steps, has found £3.48 in coppers but his keys have disappeared. He’s a bit panicky, there’s a backdoor yale to the Underworld on there and Pluto’s starting to stir. The god of commerce pays Mars the £3.48 to bring his big knife and keep an eye on things. Uranus can pull a moonlighter at the weekend and install a new, state of the art security system, no questions asked.

On Friday, the Sun wants to move the sofa so everyone can see the telly, but Neptune likes it where it is and can the Sun just hush, Brief Encounter’s on. Moving the sofa would be tricky anyway, as the Moon is sprawled out across it, sleeping off  a heavy sesh. The two won’t stop quibbling, so the weekend finds Venus and Jupiter taking it into their own hands and having a complete move around of the living room furniture. They get on the phone to Mercury and ask him to pop into B&Q for paint samples on his way back.

The Moon comes to with a roar first thing Sunday: he’s got the mother of all headaches and won’t they all just. shut. up. Uranus tells him to hold still with that light, he’s got a cash job on and the van’s got to be back by teatime.

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Aries

The niggling demands of your usual routine are not going to be enough to get you out of your warm bed later in the week, Aries. You’ll phone in sick with a fabulous excuse: has the dog eaten your legs? Are you trapped under an avalanche of Shredded Wheat Bitesize? Is Satan returning your immortal soul and you have to wait in for DHL? Start planning. Make it good.

Taurus

At the back of your wardrobe is a secret door. Reach back, through the door there’s a single street light, a big pile of snow, and a rather distracted fawn. Through the door you can fight battles against unimaginable foe, scrumble the mane of a religious icon, and become royalty. On Friday, however, it might just be enough to pull out an ironed shirt.

Gemini

Remember last week’s Spidagon? This week the group of children moved from 2D to 3D shapes. A lad guessed a cuboid was called a Goblong. Goblong—how top is that? As you raise your idea from flat paper planning into tangible 3D this week, Gemini, watch out for the Goblongs.

Cancer

We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.
However much I agree with Carlos Castañeda here, there’s work and there’s work. Some work we are trained to do from primary school: it’s core curriculum throughout compulsory education, and its methodology is rigorously applied across screens and billboards. Other work might take the same effort, but we receive just a single, tatty, Ikea flatpack sheet of instructions to help us. Don’t let that put you off, Cancer,  RYJORK on!

Leo

Look at the King! Look at the King! Look at the King, the King, the King!

Are you in the altogether this week, Leo? Or did you pay all that money for a skintight, skintone outfit, with batik genitalia and pubic hair of exquisite needlepoint rugwork? Whatever, some cretin will point and shout that you’re in the nuddy. Find someone you trust to tell you whether your seams are straight.

Virgo

Your friends say he fancies you. You say you can’t make your mind up whether you fancy him, but is this just a dither? I know it all sounds a bit teenage, but this weekend you could party like it’s 1989, so while you’re dithering, don’t feel obliged to make any plans for the weekend that you’d feel guilty about breaking.

Libra

The beginning of the week has a last chance for a while for that good clear out. Tangled wire coathangers, slimy ends of soap, tatty old love letters—sweep the lot into a black bag, and then into the wheelie bin. Whoosh, gone. Gone? If your bin day is before Wednesday you’ll have a shiny new start; if it’s later you’ll spend the weekend picking lumps of Wrights Coal Tar from dogeared A5 sheets of adolescent scrawl. Early Librans—those of you who had your birthday mid last week—you’re up against it, aren’t you, and the pressure isn’t going away for a while. You must be very careful not to confuse having a clear out with concealing evidence. Patios can be taken up, you know.

Scorpio

That’s naughty. You saucy thing.

Sagittarius

Is it that the Emperor’s got no strides on, or is he wearing a skintight, skintone outfit, with batik goolies and rugwork pubic hair? Summon the court to convene, Sagittarius, whether it’s real or illusion, it’s been paid for out of public money. Don’t be afraid to point and shout.

Capricorn

Someone might challenge you to a midweek pissing contest. Usually you do things by the book, however, there’s an opportunity here for rulebook origami — aim for their shoes.

Aquarius

Your idea’s sound but you’ve been going about it all wrong. Do not invest further in it this week; you’ll need that money for your tax bill. Things will make a lot more sense after the weekend.

Pisces

Stop picking, you’ll make it worse.

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28th September - 4th October 2009

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2 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 28th September–4th October 2009”


  1. 1 Gruff September 27, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    You’re Scorpio ascendant you say *grins, then grins some more*

  2. 2 distractedastrologer September 27, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Yup it is, and while I’d say look at your Ascendant sign rather than your Sun when you’re reading a Sun Sign column (because the usual technique is to place the first degree of the Sun sign on the ASC and read it from there, thus your ASC sign would give a better picture of your House action) my ASC is in the later degrees of Scorpio, so I’d really read Sagittarius. Sorry, G, it looks as though I’m more likely to get fired for accusing the boss of inappropriate use of public funds than get down and Scorpy.


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