Sun Sign Horoscopage Mon 5th – Sun 11th October, 2009

Everyone pretends to look away from Mars and Uranus on Monday morning, however, Neptune peeks between his fingers and is impressed and a little inspired that you could do that with one of those.

The next few days are a fading blush of awe and respect, until Thursday, when Mercury stubs his toe on Saturn and starts to snivel.

Friday finds Venus finally asking Uranus to show her that thing Neptune said he saw him doing with Mars on Monday. Uranus pretends not to know what she’s talking about. Mercury pauses midsentence—having completely forgotten why he was whinging —and tries to negotiate.

This carries on into Saturday, when Pluto quietly tells the gobby one that if he likes sitting on the fence so much he’ll impale him on a picket. Mercury runs to tell Jupiter what the heartless little planetoid has said this time, but the gas giant is chilling with the Sun and couldn’t give a monkeys.

Right, I’m off round Cancer’s for tea — you coming?



Monday starts in the wee smalls with a idea for a mad new paper for that awkward wall. This will have to wait as you can’t afford another sickie quite so soon, but do pick at a corner of the old paper on your way out and give it a good pull. You love those ripping noises.

You’ve got to get off and get on because this week’s routine includes some serious thought into how you can sort out the thing that really pisses you off at work. Share this on Thursday and Friday sees your close colleagues putting it into action. They call you an arse on Saturday, but do you care?


A couple of weeks ago my very grownup Inbox became a High School corridor of LOLs, !!!s, xXxs, XoXos, OMGs, and a rogue’s gallery of smileys. When I set up my daughter’s Gmail years ago, with her knowledge I jiggled the settings to forward her Inbox to mine; it’s been quiet until now—she’s just joined Facebook.

Likewise this week, Taurus, something you’ve set up in your role as a responsible adult can erupt into a glory of fart jokes and who d’ya fancies. The weekend is a perfect time to set up filters to deflect the flow, should you not like finding yourself caught between a RAWK and a My Space.


Woah, Gemini, feelings. Not so good later in the week, eh. As overcast as a Ramsbottom sky. Find a weekend way of expressing the gloom and working it out: writing, uploading, drawing, trolling, making Armageddon figures from puff pastry which you sprinkle with sugar and bake until slightly overdone — all good.


Everyone is allowed to have just one cookery book called The Wholefood Pantry, Forever Fibre, Grin and Bear It With Pulses, or somesuch. The cover will have a strip-lit photo of a pile of brown lentils next to a sprig of something green. Yummy. The success of the upcoming week, Cancer, depends entirely on the condition and position of this book. If your copy’s  well-thumbed and pinkish veggie gravy-stained pages are within quick reach, you’re doomed. If its pages are yellowed but otherwise pristine, if it still has the 99p Bargain Books sticker on the cover, and if it’s stuffed in the dark behind Fattening and Fabulous, 1000 Ideas for Double Cream and Cakes! Cakes! Cakes! then the week is yours.


You’re aiming for a weekend of largesse and ease. I’m not saying it will happen, I’m saying you’re aiming for it. Shop for it until Thursday, then check your credit card balance. If you can’t clear it this month, quickly make an overpayment before you change your mind. I don’t like to see you skint, it makes the corners of your mouth droop.


Order vs chaos. Guess which you are. Thursday offers a brief portal of opportunity to open your gob and speak from a belly of authority; I only wish I could make them listen. Could you not just give up and take a turn with the remote controlled dalek?


I’ve been using the same alarm clock for twenty-five years. Last week the display finally went wonky, cryptic, and the clock became art. Get up! I yelled to the kids,  It’s 1873 … Time to get up … find your clogs … time to go dow’n  pit… up the chimney… Libra, the week starts with a similar unsettling new perspective to old routines. As the days move predictably from Monday to Thursday, your job is to ruthlessly separate your imperatives from those of your forebears: you don’t have to go out to hunt, you don’t have to devote a day to the washing, if you are in the UK you don’t even have to worry about how to pay the doctor.

Straighten your thinking on Friday; the weekend looks lovely if you can just shake off that feeling of impending doom. The Hindenburg has crashed, already.


It’s not big, it’s not clever, but it’s dead funny and winds up Taurus. Carry on.


Last week, after thirty fabulous years Stephen Hawkins quietly stepped down from his role of Fabulous Head of Big Physics Stuff at the University of Brain. He’s now Emeritus Fabulous Head of Big Physics Stuff.

Take every opportunity this week offers, Saggies, to do something to ensure that when you finally exit stage left you do so not with a carriage clock but with an Emeritus.


You’ll know whether your partner prefers to be woken up with a cuppa or a stiffy. Whichever, doing it on Monday morning will make them feel more cared for than you realise, so put yourself out. You could do with them reciprocating later in the week and through the weekend, when your head is busy choosing the font for your Big Boss nameplate of the future.


On Monday you transfer the gas bill money to your partner’s account, in a brief, deranged moment of believing they’d get it paid. Thursday brings a cold shower and the realisation that—once again—he’s splurged it all on jammy dodgers. Leave him with crumbs in his sheets and hop on a plane for a weekend break somewhere that doesn’t need central heating.


Being as small as you can doesn’t attract people who want you to be all that you can. It’s blood in the water to the sharks that circle the insecure, ripping chunks from their flanks, making them even smaller, bite by bite. You’ve really got to get this, Pisces. Really. Please.

The weekend brings a chance to dream constructively of being a bigger, tougher fish. A shark-eating fish with superpowers. And a cape.

Sun Sign Horoscopage, Monday October 5th--Sunday October 11th 09

6 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage Mon 5th – Sun 11th October, 2009”

  1. 1 Anth October 4, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Aries needs to bear in mind that the HR people want a doctor’s note if there are any more sickies this year. Where’s the remote?

    • 2 distractedastrologer October 4, 2009 at 2:06 pm

      If a certain someone is subverting their Aries Sun drive then yeah, the certain someone is going to get energetically poorly. If that certain someone would direct that aforementioned Aries Sun drive to quite simply doing their job well, everything would get simpler and lovelier, and there would be genuine time for dalek action for all.

  2. 3 Gruff October 4, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    You’d think there’d be more fart jokes in the world

  3. 5 Denise October 5, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Hi Gin,
    I,m 52 this week, have been married for 30 years next week and have a 12 week old puppy who thinks its cute to pee and poo all over my carpet. Ive just read my horoscope and now instead of shooting myself I am going to, ruthlessly separate my imperatives from those of my forebears! I am going to follow my horoscope and then I can blame someone else. Keep writing, love it.

  4. 6 distractedastrologer October 5, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Hm, Denise. A puppy is an anti-labour-saving device, and the NHS doesn’t cover puppy jabs. Seems you’ve found the one thing that guarantees your work and health expenses output stay at pre 20th century levels. But so cute!

    Have a marvellous birthday (x3)–make sure that Saggie spoils you rotten (or no Emeritus for him)–and a very, very, very happy anniversary to the two of you. I can’t give it a puppy poo free guarantee though, sorry.

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