Sun Sign Horoscopage 12th—18th October, 2009

After a quiet weekend at home recovering from Friday’s marrowfat up the bum, the Moon leaves for work with dignity and just a bit of a limp. Is she to seriously believe that the person with the peashooter was given a Nobel Peace prize the very same day. Peace? She’ll show him peace.

A holler makes her jump. Mars is yelling at Saturn to hurry up, that concrete for Virgo’s extension foundations has got to be poured before the weather changes. Saturn brings along Venus to make the tea. She in turn brings chocolate Hob Nobs, and Mars doesn’t grumble.

Jupiter’s window is open, and their biscuit munching stirs him out of a long reverie. There were never chocolate Hob Nobs at Vegas … Vegas … now, where has he put that sequinned jump suit? It’s now or never. Virgo offers the biccy packet up at the window. The King defers. But that’s alright, mama, he’s in the building.

Libra’s having another open house this weekend. Those who can’t make it know someone who can, who has a camera on their phone for evidence. Venus turns up early to help out, brushing off crumbs. They’re good friends, so Libra passes the dyson with no hard feelings. The Sun’s there, having a lovely trine with Neptune on Saturday to make lovely dreams come true, and lovely wishes too, with a New Moon here on Sunday and everything’s lovely and the bunnies are fluffy and so are the pussycats and they don’t pee up the fireplace like mine does and everyone is holding hands and I think I’m feeling a bit sick now.


Oh yes, the New Moon in Libra on Sunday. Everyone tack on an addendum to screw up your eyes and make a wish at 05:33UT on the 18th. If you’re driving this works best if you pull over first. If you’re in the UK, work it into a dream. Libra, so make it a wish for harmony and all that stuff. Mind you, I’ve been royally shafted by Librans in the past, so perhaps a wish for a nice calfskin leather diplomatic bag to carry unchecked through customs.



What is it with you and Mondays right now? It’s not natural. This Monday, execute a meticulously planned invasion. Tuesday finds you with your pick of the maidens. Don’t let it go to your head at the end of the week: it might be a long and successful battle, but the war is epic and the first word of goose step is …


On Tuesday, Taurus, resolve any sexual tensions through the medium of dance. Oh go on, it’ll be a laugh. A brisk game of rugger, then? With lots of shoulder slapping and songs about ladies from Bristol .


Change the record, Gemini. Wednesday’s good. Perhaps by then you will have stopped wondering aloud why people still say ‘change the record’ when it should be ‘change the CD’, ‘Select Play List’, or even just ‘Shuffle’. Whatever, do the Hustle, Van McCoy.


If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck-looking, duck-walking, duck-sounding horse. You knew that, Cancer, the question is, can you get a saddle on it? For best results this week carry a bag of old bread and a packet of polo mints.


Yay … go you … pom poms … ‘n that … It’s your turn to iron this week, our Leo, and there’s a full basket, so I thought I’d give you a bit of a cheering squad there, to brighten you up. Just get it done; if you put it off to watch Gok reruns she’ll not be amused to find her black linen trousers squished and crumpled at the bottom when she needs them for her Friday meeting. Friday could be Saucy Friday, afterall, setting a trend to last you past Christmas. Raise a well-earned glass to your magnificence on Saturday.


This is no week for scrimping. Go out and treat yourself to a big bottle of the pink washing-up liquid—the one that smells a bit like flowers. Squoosh it in as your sink fills up with bath-hot water. Plunge in your hands to the elbows, away you go. This week, Virgo, for the first time in a while you are Fairy Liquid Nanette Newman, not gone-wonky-at-a-Stepford-garden-party Nanette Newman. Rejoice.


Someone comes in for a sliding tackle, leaving you feeling unbalanced and graceless (that’s Libra language for ‘sending you arse over tit’). Their jumpers are the goalposts, but don’t let them manipulate you. Ultimately, Libra, it’s your ball.



The last few years have found you inventing brow-raisingly creative new ways of making things more exciting—of manipulating the tickle spot between fantasy and reality. The next step finds you waiting for WHSmiths to open on Friday morning; the new Playboy is out—which is usually a vanilla nothing to you—but this one has Marge Simpson on the cover. Yeah, the articles, yeah, tell it to your boss.


Did you hear a gurgle? If I lend you my biggest colander on Tuesday—the red plastic one with two handles—do you promise you’ll strain every millilitre of that bathwater for babies?  Although it could be the drains, and you’ve heard that babies can be shitty little howling beasts, at least it’ll keep your hands busy and your fingers out of your nose.


Phwoar … look at you in that suit. I’m not usually a suit person, but you? You’ve turned me. You wear that suit.


Your innovative, imaginative solution to the postal strike— of paying each Royal Mail staff member by cheque, and posting it to them—will get you noticed this week, Aquarius. Now, have you got enough stamps?


Come back here. Don’t think I haven’t seen you. That? That’s called a ‘result’; it’s what you get when you add a dollop of effort to a smattering of belief. You can touch it, it won’t explode.


12th-18th October 2009


Work in Progress lesson learned this week: my technique of scribbling the glyphs into a photocopied chart blank which I twizzle round to find out what houses for what sign? Doesn’t work for the Nodes.

2 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 12th—18th October, 2009”

  1. 1 Gruff October 11, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    I only know songs about ladies from Buxton.

    Tuesday night I’ll treat you to the dance of the sugar plums fairy.


  2. 2 distractedastrologer October 11, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    I don’t know, you come home with your fancy Lunnun notions. Do you even have a tutu?

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