Sun Sign Horoscopage 19th-25th October, 2009.

Everyone’s tucked up and snoozing this Monday. The Moon’s toenails graze the Jupiter’s shin, but the gas giant just turns over and carries on snoring and dreaming of Vegas, waking on Tuesday with a huge fart and a head full of comeback plans.

Needing a second opinion on rhinestone belt buckles, Jupiter nudges Mercury with his elbow until the tricksy one opens an eye. Their talk of tour buses and glory infects the Moon, who thinks big until Friday morning, when she hits a wall in her reasoning and realises the idea is pants.

Midweek, Venus’s ham ciabatta is too big for one. She shares it with Neptune until even he’s beaten, then puts it on the side to finish later. The Sun and Saturn scrape the plate and wash it up. Venus and Neptune — secretly sick of ham — are relieved. Phew! Big stuff this week, bet you’re on the edge of your seat.

On Friday, Mercury and Chiron go on and on with themselves for hours about how so and so hurt their feelings, and thingummy should have realised that they wanted the last cake even though they said it was fine, go on, take it, and have they heard about doofrey’s husband and his Thing, and blah de blah de bloody blah. It makes them feel a lot better. The Sun finds a dark and secret corner and sits, taking notes. Everyone else goes out for a curry.

Mars is too busy being glorious this week to wind anyone up. That makes a nice but terribly dull change.

**

Aries

They’re talking about you, Aries; your friends and your partner, swapping notes. It’s mostly good, apart from that bit about the hygienic clippers.

Taurus

Look at you, all curled up under those Autumn leaves — how do they smell? Spicy? Earthy? — Anyway, look at your little snuffle nose poking out, and your jet eye glittering through your prickles. Taurus, did you know that it takes more chloroform to put a hedgehog to sleep than any other animal of comparable size? A bowl of treacle pudding and custard, however, and a warm fire, and you’ll be zonked out in seconds.  When will people learn to treat you nice? You’re a stubborn bugger otherwise. An ounce of treacle pud is worth a bull’s dose of chloroform.

Gemini

Make the most of Tuesday’s big thinking about the big questions of life because Friday’s free will finds you chained to a rock while a giant eagle pecks out your liver. Remember your iphone —  if you practice being philosophical about it all in 140 characters or less #nicebirdy could be a trending topic.

Cancer

You’re evolving. You no longer have to spend all of your time in the middle of your web, waiting for the prey to drop by. You can get takeaway. Avoid seafood though, it’s family.

Leo

You’re busy doing nothing this week, Leo, trying to find lots of things not to do. What a blissed-out start to a few months of magnificence. Was that a purr?

Virgo

You do not have a pre-existing medical condition, you are a pre-existing medical condition. And you really carry it off.

Libra

Watch out for wasp bites this week, Libra. Not stings, but bites. Not half as unpleasant and completely avoidable if you stop dressing in purple and spraying yourself with essence of plum.

Scorpio

Before Friday:

Tools  → Delete Browsing History →

  • Temporary Internet Files
  • Cookies
  • History

→ Delete → Confirm

Next, open or download Firefox:

Tools → Start Private Browsing → Would You Like To Start Private Browsing? → Start Private Browsing.

Happy birthday!

Sagittarius

Big week, big man, and your friends think you’re top. It’s only a tenner; I promise I’ll give it you back next week.

Capricorn

The devil’s in the detail this midweek, Columbo. A bit of ferreting around will reveal the perp, but remember, those who were watching from the beginning already know who it is. You could have just asked them. Oh, and one more thing … nice mac.

Aquarius

Did you know your traditional ruler also rules wasps? I didn’t know that. Put your mandibles away, Aquarius, I know you’re hungry and disorientated, but that’s not a nice, ripe Autumn plum, that’s a Libra.

Pisces

The Force will be with you this week, fishies. It won’t be pretty, but lightsabers cauterise, so at least you shouldn’t be needing a mop. Just a shovel, a big hole in the garden, and a strong alibi.

***

Sun Sign Horoscopage 19th-25th October, 2009

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5 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 19th-25th October, 2009.”


  1. 1 Gruff October 18, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    What’s the Italian equivalent of treacle pudding? Cos next week I want it.

    Our patio has been cemented in, so you’ll have to bury me somewhere else.

  2. 2 chrysostom October 18, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    Can you break a twenty?

  3. 4 Miriamaok October 19, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    See, I’m not paranoid – they ARE talking about me.

  4. 5 distractedastrologer October 19, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    With awe, Mir, with awe.


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