Sun Sign Horoscopage 16th-22nd November 09

Mercury wakes everyone on Monday by hollering  My Way. The Sun is the only one close enough to grab the karaoke machine and cut off the plug. The Moon sets off for a brand new adventure, but forgets his bus pass and gets all moody.

Mercury’s still humming on Tuesday, which attracts Saturn. The Lord of Time and the Mischief Maker become all tangled up in discussing whether it was the Ol’ or the Blue Eyes bit which got Frank all the women.

On Thursday, Venus tries out her counselling skills on Mars, who’s been rather withdrawn lately. Mars uses short Anglo Saxon words and simple gestures to ask her to please leave him alone if she wouldn’t mind awfully, he’s playing Modern Warfare 2. Thanks terribly.

Venus has got the psychology bug though, and tries it on with both Saturn and Pluto at the weekend. They roll her up in a carpet and put her in the hall cupboard with the hoover and the ironing board. Peace.

The Sun wakes everyone on Sunday by hollering My Way …

*

This bit’s tricky. There’s a New Moon in Scorpio on Monday Evening (19:14 Universal Time–UT, as ever, which is conveniently also GMT). Now, usually a New Moon is the perfect time to take a breath and make a wish to carry you through the next four weeks. Thing is with this one, straight away after it happens the Moon goes Void of Course. This means that the Moon’s conjunction with the Sun—a New Moon—is the last aspect the Moon makes with a planet before it changes sign on Tuesday morning. Void of Course times are typically muddled and directionless. I don’t know how a wish of intent will work if it’s fired off into a void, so what to do?

I reckon that, instead of a wish for the future, Monday evening at a quarter past seven will be the perfect time to make a resolution. A resolution is a decision to take what we’ve done in the past and make it better; it’s a wish for better things in the future only by application of a bit of personal change, fuelled by wanting to be a bit better than we currently feel we are. Forget New Year, I hereby proclaim a New Moon which then goes Void of Course the perfect time not for a wish, but for looking back and resolving to never, ever do it again.

*

Aries

An argument started on Thursday, Aries, is the vehicle to finding new and stretchy ways of making up. For the less limber, seek out your local auction house on Saturday and be prepared to fight dirty for the Clarice Cliff ginger jar, even though the only thing genuine about it is the chip.

Taurus

Repeat after me: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Repeat as required. Stop pouting, they love you really.

(Oh yes, nearly forgot—wearing low rise trousers on Saturday will chill your kidneys, no matter how high your knickers.)

Gemini

On Monday, your ruling sign skips into Sagittarius and you find God. He’s sitting right where you left him last December. Do you remember? It was when you bought all those tins of Christmas Quality Street on BOGOF at Asda, and you couldn’t carry them and the all holy overseer of the universe. Honestly, you put down something for a second.  Some would say this is a challenge to generally accepted concepts of omnipresence, but I think it says more about your specs.

Cancer

Wups. I won’t tell. Monday evening is the best time to make yourself a promise to never, ever do that again — CCTV’s everywhere these days. Treat yourself to an optimistic new start on Tuesday, and I promise that if you manage to keep quiet about it until Sunday, nobody will ever find out. That noise is my forefinger tapping the side of my nose.

Leo

When you take your potential significant other to meet your mum on Thursday, she talks about that time you ran around naked, your chubby bum cheeks wibbling, and popped out just a little bit of poo as you went. Somehow she’ll make it sound charming. Pass her the chocolate hobnobs before she adds that it happened last month.

Virgo

You’ll feel calmer after a good tidy on Monday. Tidy your home, though, not your colleagues. They don’t all understand that a Virgo nitpicks and fusses not because they think they are right, but because they fear they are wrong*. Can you see the difference?  You need to do good things for yourself at the weekend, but keep away from comfort buying unless you have a forthright Aries friend to tell you just how very big your bum looks in that. When they do, give it a bit of a wiggle and say thank you.

*I’ll say this again in the future, probably many times. It’s important.

Libra

You alone make the trains run on time on Tuesday, Libra. If you don’t have overall responsibility for the national rail network, swallow a frog instead, it’ll slip down lovely. Talking of trains, though, some of you have been feeling as though you’re tied to the tracks in front of the 7:52 to Grimsby. However awful, overwhelming, unbalancing and flattening this feels, believe that it’s better than having a ticket for the 7:52 to Grimsby. Do something nice for no result on Saturday.

Scorpio

Copy this down and get straight out to Morrisons:

  • knife (sharp)
  • cockerel (black)
  • chalice (silver, pewter at a push, plastic picnic glasses and silver spray paint, if everything else is out)
  • pins (long)
  • Barbie

You already have enough black candles and intent. Hurry up now, chop chop.

Sagittarius

Oh no, you’re going to be incorrigible. Smartarse is an acquired taste, Sagittarius, but you’re used to carrying on regardless, and this week public opinion matters to you less than ever. By ‘eck, your arse is smart.

Capricorn

Take the security guard off your wallet to buy a Pisces a pint after work. Then another. A scheme so profligate of expenditure is the means to a tasty end. You’ll regret it come Saturday, but hey, it’s nearly Christmas. Sort of.

Aquarius

It’s been a while since your cell received support from the outside. This has made cell meetings into cosy, even jolly occasions, which make you reconsider the current plan for overthrowing social order. Don’t worry—the thought of revolution still consumes you, body and soul—but there is absolutely no reason why this couldn’t be done with party poppers. Please don’t book the clown.

Pisces

It’s all about bladder control, so stay on shorts and sip slowly at the end of the week, Pisces. A Capricorn fancies him too. Start off on pints and she’ll have her tongue down his throat the second you pop out to shake the lettuce.

*

Sun Sign Horoscopage 16th-22nd Novmber 09

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4 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 16th-22nd November 09”


  1. 1 Gruff November 15, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    Time to buy some some old man pants to keep my nipples warm then.
    Hang on, aren’t those my metaphorical thermals?

    • 2 distractedastrologer November 15, 2009 at 11:20 pm

      Yes, those are your metaphorical thermals. Peripherally, the stars say that if you’re passing Primark this week remember to replace those grotty vests with white t-shirts.

  2. 3 Anthea November 16, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Curses! You have stumbled across the mantra of Virgos everywhere: Today’s the day they find me out.

    It was supposed to be a secret.


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