Sun Sign Horoscopage 23rd—29th November, 2009

After last week’s carpet incident, Venus starts Monday with the hump. Jupiter, who is making Brian Blessed seem retiring and softly-spoken these days,  goes in for a feel-better bearhug. Venus wallops him over the head with her hardback first edition of How To Win Friends and Influence People, which bounces off the big god’s thick skull and lands at Mercury’s feet.

Ever open to new methods of making connections, Mercury picks it up for a flick through. Neptune and Saturn read over his shoulders. Tuesday finds Saturn woodenly trying out Carnegie’s techniques on the Sun, who, feeling tip-top full of bonhomie and having nothing else to do, puts up with it for a bit.

By Thursday the others are fed up with Mercury having his nose in the book that they dare him to try to Win Mars’ Friendship and Influence Him. It’s been so long since anyone even knocked on the god of war’s bedroom door that it seems to go well, although this might have more to do with the bag of gingerbread men Mercury wisely took in with him. A concentrated biting-off of biscuit heads could be seen as harmony, I suppose.

Anyway, Uranus and Venus at least are too busy researching tickle spots to pay much attention. Neptune staggers over to help investigate the causal relationships among variables, but Venus asks him to go away and have a bath. A long one.

Mercury and Jupiter end the week by getting up to no good and having a right laugh.

*

Aries

When your troops tramp tramp tramp across new borders this week, remember to send them with fun size Mars bars to throw to the children. Why? Because it’s a nice thing to do, and when your actions compromise others’ future freedom and essential liberty, it’s nice to be nice.

Taurus

Do something known and loved in a whole different way* on Thursday and you’ll sleepwalk into the side of a bus on Friday morning. Still, not all bad: while they put you back together again the anaesthetic gives you time to catch up sleep, and it’s a known fact that there isn’t a single unattractive anaesthetist on the planet.

*For Thanksgiving-ing Taureans this probably means a new way with stuffing; the rest of the world’s bulls will want to be swapping the with with an of.

Gemini

While sorting stuff out for Sagittarius this week, I discovered that Green Eggs and Ham was written because Dr Seuss was bet $50 that he couldn’t write a book with only fifty different words. With thought, Gemini, I bet on Thursday, like Dr Seuss you can get your point across to partners in fifty words. It doesn’t matter what I bet because none of you will manage it … but I bet you could. Hand gestures are not included in the final count.

Cancer

Miss. Miss Miss Miss. Miss Miss MissMissMissMissMiss … I made Bethlehem in the bath … with ducks.

This week is perfect for expanding religious consciousness. Perfect for creatively contemplating new concepts of divine deliverance. Perfect for communicating your intuitive, individual experience of creation. Take a tip from the six-year-old, Cancer — it’s a dead good week for making Bethlehem in your bath. With ducks.

Leo

You can spout any old self-absorbed shite on Thursday and they’ll lap it up. You might even pull. Thankfully,  an enemy shoves a dog poo through your letter box on Friday.

Virgo

Go through your CDs, pull your iPod apart, and play every single track you have of a fat lady singing. Every one. She’s got a great pair of lungs. Before Thursday, you also need to decide what sort of relationship you want with your neighbour, or they’ll decide for you and you’ll be too drunk to care.

Libra

Early in the week someone twiddles the balance thingy in the middle of your kitchen scales, just ‘cos. This results in you accidentally inventing a new, super-rising scone, which feeds humanity and solves world hunger. Next, you must work on improving the logistics of jam and clotted cream transportation.

Scorpio

This week, Scorpio, Sagittarius is telling everyone how he likes it in the dark with a goat. Don’t get jealous, get even.

Sagittarius

Get scribbling, Dr Zeus, it’s time for your annual opus:

I am man.
Man-I-am.
Man-I-am, Man-I-am.
I do so like life. Man-I-am.

And I will like life in a boat
And I will like it with a goat.
And I will like it in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
It is so good, so good you see.

So I will like life in a box.
And I will like it with a fox.
And I will like life in a house.
And I will like it with a mouse.
And I will like it here and there.
Say. I will like life ANYWHERE.

Happy Birthday.

Capricorn

Past choices you’d made about money making methods affect your social interactions this week. Test out your technique before you mingle:

Q: And what do you do, Capricorn?
A: I slaughter innocent people to harvest their fat for beauty creams for the European market.

Hmm. It needs a little work before you can be voted onto the board of school governors — you could always try the golf club.

Aquarius

I’ve been staring at this week’s chart for ages, and it still all looks like Space Invaders for you. Who am I to argue? Keep your head down. Move smoothly and slowly with no sudden movements, but keep moving. Stay on the person-side of the screen — the one without pixels. If anyone comes at you with a space bar or a joystick, run.

Pisces

You’re rolling bogies between your fingers this week, Pisces, while all around you colleagues are discussing what it is to be an adult. You could tell them that it’s about being responsible for your actions; about learning from experience and moving on; about keeping a sense of compassion without allowing yourself to be walked over. Well, you could if you weren’t too busy trying to flick that  green, squidgy monster without it sticking to the end of your fingernail.

*

Sun Sign Horoscopage 23rd—29th November, 2009

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6 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 23rd—29th November, 2009”


  1. 1 Gruff November 22, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    Will there be toast?
    I’m not doing anything in a new way on Thursday unless there’s toast on Friday.

  2. 2 distractedastrologer November 22, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    I believe you ARE toast on Friday.

  3. 3 Anthea November 22, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Which neighbour?

    • 4 distractedastrologer November 22, 2009 at 10:22 pm

      Don’t worry, you have an Aquarius ascendant, which knocks the nouns akimbo. Unless you would like it to be a neighbour?

  4. 5 Anthea November 22, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    The I would be living in Melrose Place. A bit. With harder rock and more tattoos.

  5. 6 Miriamaok November 23, 2009 at 11:07 am

    I do like the sound of all this trampling over people’s freedoms. I may unleash my inner tyrant. (But nicely of course).


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