Sun Sign Horoscopage 30th November–6th December 2009

Monday starts with a wallop as Uranus suddenly realises he’s been the butt of every bottom joke Mercury has made since July. Chiron dabs Mercury’s shiner with purple stuff that stings a bit. The troublemaker’s still twitchy on Tuesday, so Neptune makes him a nice cup of that calming tea that smells like wee wee.

Venus get Big Love Ideas on Tuesday, which Pluto promises to help her out with later. Venus wonders if her Big Love Ideas aren’t just too Big for one modestly-proportioned, cold planetoid to handle, so abouts-face to appeal to Saturn instead. Saturn obliges, however the results lack pizzazz and the love goddess’s lips set in dissatisfaction.

Mars gives a single triumphant HA when Saturn fails to cop off. Mercury, clutching a steak to his still-sore eye, mumbles into Saturn’s ear that she’ll fancy him in a few weeks, just wait and see.

*

Aries

You awake on Tuesday with unsettling need to do something different, to dedicate yourself to the lost and unfortunate. You set up a soup kitchen, however, the lost and unfortunate don’t like your worthy soup and shuffle off to Greggs. Next time, pour that sudden philanthropic urge into founding a free sticky bun depot. Hell, why free? I’d pay good money for a sticky bun.

Taurus

Early in the week, your colleagues consult their lawyer about that thing you’ve been doing in the stationery cupboard for the past three weeks. They do really like you, but your stubborn disregard for office supplies has stuck together fifteen reams of A4 80gsm Ultra White with an unidentified yellow goo. You’ll have time to make one last willy out of Blutack before you’re escorted from the premises. I must say, you’re remarkably philosophical about it after Tuesday.

Gemini

On Monday your significant other becomes less significant when they leave you for their naturopath, the hairy faker. This puts you in a right mood for a couple of days, but if you ask me you’re better off without someone who drinks spirulina for fun. On Tuesday, you harness your rich imagination to create a lover who laughs at your jokes and listens with interest to every retelling of every 80s Madchester stonehead anecdote. Perfect, just watch out for splinters.

Cancer

Swine Flu Monday becomes Beechams Tuesday. The forecast for the rest of the week is lemsip, lucozade, a fluffy quilt, and Jeremy Kyle.

Leo

There’s a dead good article about you by Moll Frothingham in the latest Mountain Astrologer. Moll talks with common sense about how important it is for you to maintain an Onstage/Offstage balance, to know yourself before going public, if you like. Knowing this, and understanding that time without limelight is necessary time to tend the inner fire it’s a damn shame you get in such a toy-throwing bratty snit at the weekend.

Virgo

That feeling of nervous tension at having to start a new job, take an exam, peel your heart naked in front of a would-be lover, give a speech, shout SHARK SHARK on a crowded beach … you’re going to be feeling that adrenaline, that queasy fast heartbeat, this week. And for no reason at all. All the stress, none of the threat. Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Libra

Since its release, the only action on Google Wave has been from groups getting together to talk about how they don’t know what to do with Google Wave now they’ve got it. You’ve been at the vanguard of this, Libra, and your week starts with a Eureka moment concerning the cohesive future of the Wave. You get together a group to talk about how many groups of people are talking about how they don’t know what to do with Google Wave now they’ve got it. It’s not confusing, it’s social networking. You can add pictures of people looking disenchanted—or of their puppies—and everything.

Scorpio

Making responsible ethical choices about organic, locally produced food does not stop you from couriering anonymous photos to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, of you in a mask, tucking into a Tesco value chicken. You only do it to make him cry. You rotter, you could have used email.

Sagittarius

People around you have been more likely to say yes when they mean no than no when they mean yes. Perhaps you seemed confident enough to take it. Whatever, from next week you’ll start to find a way to sort out something that’s been dicking with you since July. Don’t blame yourself for not working it out sooner, you are very clever and talk to all the right gods, but the timing was wrong. You get to borrow Venus for a bit from Tuesday which is good, because you could be doing with her.

Capricorn

There are bullets whizzing around you right now so keep your head down. It’s all crossfire stuff, none of it is meant for you, but that’s never stopped a direct hit from being lethal. To keep yourself occupied in your bunker, find out how many anagrams of Collateral Damage you can find. I’ll start you with A Cartload Lame Leg and A Caramel Goat Dell; Mercury will help you with the other 62499 on Sunday.

Aquarius

The voices in your head … they talk to you this week … tell you where to go … what to do … ask you questions. Let me tell you a secret, come close, I’ll whisper … The voices in your head come in through your ears — there are real people out there, liking the look of you and wanting a natter. We are mostly not figments.

Pisces

That loud cracking noise is your comfort zone. Again. Bloody hell, you built that back quickly. You can be quite the artisan of the protective coating, but do you melt in the mouth and not in the hand?

*

Sun Sign Horoscopage 30th November–6th December 2009A Leo, offstage.

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4 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 30th November–6th December 2009”


  1. 1 nray November 30, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Love your stuff! Thank you!

    • 2 distractedastrologer November 30, 2009 at 6:09 pm

      Neeti, I am glad you popped along. My computer plucked its front teeth with its thumbnail at me when I was setting up some links a couple of weeks ago, and yours was one of the urls I couldnt find afterwards. Ha! See that, computer, you are victorious no more. I see your front tooth thumbnail plucking and raise you a raspberry.

      • 3 nray November 30, 2009 at 6:17 pm

        You have me grinning again 😀

        And what you said reminds me, I posted a link to you on my Facebook but forgot to do so on my blog…will do so now.

  2. 4 GarethFW December 1, 2009 at 9:35 am

    And when I got there the cupboards were bare. No Bluetack.


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