Sun Sign Horoscopage 7th—13th-December 2009

Whatever it is that Pluto whispers to Mercury on Monday it gives him a glistening forehead and unpleasant nether smell, which makes Saturn lock him in the bathroom and Mars hide the key. The winged-heeled god bangs on the door for a bit, yelling something about only having 87.969 days to go around the Sun, before falling quiet. Every time, Mercury, every time.

However, like cat pee and a politician’s handshake, his pong just won’t go. It wrinkles the noses of Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron, quite putting them off their ongoing global programme of immunisation against carefree thoughtless living, until Venus arrives with a greasy bag of meat and potato pies later in the week .

With a hearty I love pies, me the Sun appears from nowhere, snaffling the biggest and greasiest for himself and Mars, who are getting along for a while. However, there’s enough to go round – hurrah!

Jupiter and Uranus have half an idea between them at the weekend, and have to make it last.



This week check your bag for Gold Spot and plastic mistletoe even if you’re just popping out for a pint of milk and a copy of TV Quick. For every Aries — apart from the thirteen year old one who lurks in her room upstairs — this is the perfect time for getting the taste of another’s tonsils. There are just a couple of weeks until you come off the boil for a good few months, so get cracking. If you are the thirteen year old one who lurks upstairs, you can channel this huge creative imperative into tidying, hoovering, and stuff. Yes, really. Cos.


On the radio this morning someone was appealing on behalf of the Vicars’ Relief Fund. Nobody laughed, not one. Not even a chuckle or one of those snorty laughs you try to turn into a cough. For heaven’s sake people. It might be a very worthy charity that helps out those who need helping at times when they are vulnerable and really need stuff, but they’ve called it the VICARS’ RELIEF FUND. At the end of the week, Taurus, your ruling planet is tarts and vicars all the way, and you can donate whatever and however you fancy.


On my scribbly chart for this week Gemini, your ruling planet looks like a many-armed nemesis zapping out multi-tentacled mutoid manic energy and vengeance and being zapped back in turn by a trio of unlikely superheroes, an egotistical warmonger, and an old fart. Plug yourself into the dark side for a full charge up at the beginning of the week, and let the mahem begin. Or just write the screenplay. Oh, and try Poundland for stocking fillers.


Advanced warning Cancer: this is not the year for last minute Christmas shopping. Come the 20th, your focus will wander and your festive campaign will wilt like a boxing day Amaryllis. Whatever you have left to buy, buy it soon. Wear the bad perfume and the jacket with the poisoned elbow spikes. It’s not any Christmas shop, it’s M&S.


I hope you’re off out on Friday, Leo, somewhere spangly and festive where you can wear the gold lame suit. If you don’t have plans for Friday, make some. Just get out there in that suit. Even if it’s just to the chippy, something about Friday will make the Dandelion and Burdock taste like Krug. You’ll be glorious, glittery, adored, and it’ll make up for the shite week you’re about to have at work.


With your ruler supercharged by Pluto before semisquaring a right lot of trouble, it could all get a bit Old Testament this week. Sorry (good Virgo word, that) but it’s not about resolution yet, it’s still about the effort. Shifting fictions from biblical to Greek mythological, this week you’re Sisyphus, rolling that bloody great rock up the hill just to have it roll right back down. Up, down, up, down. Grit your teeth and get on. You’re Virgo: all the Sisyphus, none of the cissy fuss.


It’s all a bit serious, isn’t it Libra. Heavy. How come your workmates get to chat by the kettle when you’re still working? You know by the time you get there all the gossip will have evaporated, the mugs will be dirty, and there will be a single, broken malted milk left at the bottom of the biscuit barrel. Enough’s enough: on Friday wear a good bra and don’t fight the compulsion to pull your t-shirt over your face whilst hollering a medley of Chas and Dave hits.


On Monday you’re well up for your therapist’s appointment. You pour out your darkest fears, deepest desires, your most perverted of compulsions. Shame you couldn’t wait until you got to the appointment, still, the lady on the bus hasn’t felt those bits tremble since that nice Mr Secombe left Highway.


Oh, I am glad. Yes, that’s really good. Did they? With that? You wouldn’t have thought it was that stretchy. It’s marvellous what they can do with fabrics these days. I think you’ll be needing a PoziDrive on that anaphora, a Philips will knacker the threads.


See, you’re another one. Communication’s nothing but trouble this week. And power struggles? Oy. There is good stuff going on, but it’s under the surface, and that surface is choppy. Sod the lot of ‘em; should you happen to see a Libran in a polka dot bra on Friday, singing about Margate and bunnies in a muffled voice, join in on the stylophone. It could be the beginning of something.


Be Someone Else for a Night. Ask Scorpio How.


At the end of a testing week they pass you the tattered cap with BOSS appliquéd on the peak. It’s a bit yellow and blotchy inside, and smells of the sweat of fear of the previous wearer. What are you going to do, Pisces, put it in the wash or on your head? Do you feel lucky, fish?


Sun Sign Horoscopage 7th—13th-December 2009Dead interesting to see all these quintiles as Uranus really gets moving again.

3 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 7th—13th-December 2009”

  1. 1 Jo Tracey December 6, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    You have my fishy week in a nutshell… & yes, I can smell the pong from here- the challenge will be whether I am caught in the net & left to decay…

    • 2 distractedastrologer December 6, 2009 at 10:01 pm

      Jo, forewarned we could each carry a showercap in our pocket this week, and a little pot of that stuff Clarice Starling dabs under her nostrils in The Silence of the Lambs. Good luck, and thanks for the tweet and the company.

  2. 3 Gruff December 6, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    More tea Vicar?

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