Sun Sign Horoscopage 14th–20th December 2009

Uranus, sick to his airy gills of X-Factor, starts the week by downloading Killing In The Name. Forgetting to plug his headphones in properly, he wakes the Sun, who runs to the window with a bucket. Wiping the water from his eyes, Uranus hollers a selection of words rarely heard before 9pm.

Ever ready to heal a rift, Chiron explains to the mass of incandescent gas that Uranus is just raging against the pop machine by supporting a co-ordinated internet-based attempt to stop Simon Cowell from hijacking the UK Christmas charts once again. As stopping jumped-up wannabes is something the Sun can get behind, he busily downloads the track and updates his Facebook profile: THE SUN thinks Simon Cowell’s forgo10 whoz boss. Jupiter and Neptune read it, Like it, and download too.

The Moon pops along on Wednesday, and they all do a bit of wishful thinking about a world where there is no X-Factor, only bunnies and Cadbury Crunchies.

Mercury keeps his head down, quietly whistling, all week. Hell, he runs the shops. Any business is good business.

Thursday would find Venus and Mars doing what they do so well, only they keep the door locked.
Chiron’s polite coughing finally makes Venus unlock and peek her tousled bed-head out on Saturday. The asteroid would like to know if Venus has downloaded Killing In The Name yet, as it’s the last day left to do so. Venus would be happy to oblige but isn’t at all sure about having that kind of language on her computer. Uranus scoffs her sensibilities while she finds her purse, and Chiron takes her 70p and downloads it for her on his machine.

On Sunday, Mars stops what he’s doing — although he really likes doing it — and looks over his shoulder …


Here’s the thing: next week’s chart is a story. It has a beginning, a middle and an end, albeit with an ellipsis. There’s conflict, resolution, action, love, passion, and some more conflict. Top stuff. It has a wish, and the potential for a cracking Deus ex Machina. What it’s missing is a really good baddy. Anyway it’s a story, so, in honour of the last week of Sun for zealous Sagittarius, and of Mars’ last forward-moving week in limelight Leo for quite a while, places please for the Zodiac Nativity Play.

(For one week only we have a special guest star, just for Aeon Phlo who stuck their head above the parapet on the Distracted Astrologer Facebook page. See if you spot them.)


You put your hand up first so you’re the Star. (Sorry Leo, you can put your hand down now, I’ve got a good part in mind for you, don’t worry.) This week, Aries, you’ll do a cracking job of leading the way. Not because you want to shine, because it needs to be done. Delegate to other fire signs where necessary, but please don’t trust the Baby Jesus to bring enough tinfoil for your costume.


Taurus, you’re the cow. No, shut up, it’s a good role. This week you make the cold stable warm and the stale air sweet just by being there; your regular breathing alone calms the crowded stage. And it comes with a free rubber glove udder.


Right. You are Narrator and Prompt. This week you have the direction needed to tell a straight story and keep key partnerships on track. The head teacher’s watching you, so please try to stick to the script or next year they’ll make you Third Camel.


You’re the Innkeeper. Here’s the scene: Menorah lit and dreidel spinning, you’re disturbed by a knock while relaxing after a hectic day of keeping guests fed and sheltered. There’s an uncanny similarity to hiring out a stable with your week ahead, Cancer, however, when providing a creative solution to a work problem, it’s unlikely to lead to 2000 years of your people being persecuted by the followers of the very thing you are helping out.


We might need to borrow from last week’s glam wardrobe, Leo, because you’re the Angel Gabriel. Tell you what, as a treat bring your sparkly wand — people always get fairies and angels confused and Wednesday is perfect for making a huge and glorious wish. Improvisation brings good results, so climb carefully on top of the cardboard stable and bring on those tidings of great joy. You’re not going to have another chance for a few months. Even if you stumble, broken legs bring flowers and chocs.


Teatowels at the ready, Virgo, this week you’re Lead Shepherd. The quiet help you give behind the scenes make the Wise Men come on in time. Your double-checking gives the Star fresh torch batteries. Really, you make this play, but expect to be jostled to the back when everyone is taking a bow.


You’re Mary and Joseph. Pick the one you fancy and delegate the other to a trusted team mate. We’re going to need a smooth negotiator to organise a stable; a soft word to separate the Wise Men from the Heavenly Host. Just don’t trust a donkey to take your weight. You know how good you look in blue.


Long ago in a galaxy far away you bought a couple of droids to help out on your aunt and uncle’s farm. This led to a daring mission to rescue a space princess and blow up the baddies’ centre of operation. Is that tall, furry, braying thing really a donkey? This week, Scorpio, you’ll be creatively inspired by working from a different script to everyone else. It won’t make you friends, but people will remember you. Oh, watch out for your dad and don’t give him a hand.


You’re that pale child who has been off sick for months and arrives two days before the performance. Not sure what to do with you, they wrap you in a piece of hessian, put the last teatowel — the one with the Welsh recipes — on your head, and stick you in between the lad with the lightsabre and the Three Wise Men. You know all the traditional words to the carols, and sing out loud. People clap anyway, and the grannies love you. This is your time.


Well, of course you’re the Magi. All of ‘em. Trooping onto the stage with gold, myrrh and Frankenstein, you beam the hugest of grins to the audience. Aww. Your parents might be a bit held up, so make sure somebody tapes it for them. Follow the signs with visionary zeal this week, Sagittarius, it’ll give you plenty to ponder in the next few months.


You are the Roman census takers, tripping up over shepherds while out for a riotous night of Saturnalia (more on this next week). This week, Capricorn, you might be in danger of forgetting that you are responsible for policing public morality. Ah well — donkeys, camels, men in teatowels, tinfoil stars and falling fairy angels — it’s one hell of a trip.


You are the heavenly host. It’s your job this week to work for the collective, beaming a message of hope, healing, and transformation to all humankind. You get to wear white. Think you can handle that? I reckon it’s well within your capabilities.


You’re the Baby Cheeses this week, Pisces. Away in your manger. You hold a hope for peace and love and the potential for centuries of war and bloodshed. Best to keep your head down and stay quiet ‘til they all go away, eh.


Sun Sign Horoscopage 14th–20th December 2009

4 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 14th–20th December 2009”

  1. 1 Vicki Duggan December 14, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Hi there distracted astrologer, I am also distracted by astrology (and loving it) and am an astrologer, but not nearly as creative as you. Someone on facebook pointed you out to me so I came in to look and was pleasantly surprised by your comical astrological scenario. I feel we would have a lot in common. I have sun in sagittarius (conjunct jupiter) in the 2nd house and moon in gemini in the 8th. I was born in the gibbous moon phase with scorpio rising. I live in Adelaide South Australia, where are you?

    • 2 distractedastrologer December 14, 2009 at 10:15 pm

      Hello Vicki, good to see you. How are you finding that gibbous moon? I’m waving to you from the other side, and am just off to bed. A deep frown line that’s been there since teenage is a bit of a giveaway that my Asc is also Scorpio – although if you have one of those you could blame the Adelaide Sun – don’t really have that option in NW England. Night night, have a top day.

  2. 3 Alison December 19, 2009 at 1:16 am

    Fantastic this made me smile

  3. 4 May December 22, 2009 at 12:15 am

    This is brilliant!
    i love the way this is so easy to read, and it makes you laugh.

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