Sun Sign Horoscopage: 28th December 2009—3rd January 2010

Still feeling hardworking, Venus wakes on Monday with the great idea of getting all the lads to help clean the house before New Year. Knowing this will take all her persuasive powers, she bumps into Pluto and, seeming to brush twiglet crumbs from his lapel, smoothly lifts his death ray from his inner pocket. Cajoled by death ray, Saturn and Mars get to work—Mars breaking more glasses than he washes—until Pluto gently runs a cold finger up Venus’ spine, making her drop his death ray, unresisting, into his palm. Cor, he’s got moves for a little chap.

On New Year’s Eve, the Sun want to talk to Neptune about how they could both stop bossypants Venus from putting them to work with the Pledge and a duster. To his frustration, Neptune is dazzled by the Moon’s new high beam torch, so the Sun stands in front of it until the soggy dreamer comes to.

During the long New Year party, Mercury, Mars, the Sun, Uranus, Chiron and Venus all knock back a bit too much Blue Nun and make promises they never want to keep to people they never want to meet again. Like us, really.

At the weekend they all get into a big fight to avoid doing the clearing up. And so it goes around.


Funny sort of a New Year for resolutions, this. All sort of … unresolved. And with New Year’s Eve’s partial lunar eclipse squaring Saturn and opposing Venus and Pluto, let’s have a think how to handle the promises our present selves make to our future ones. Okay, this New Year is not a good one to promise yourself a shiny new behaviour, like listening without butting in or being nice to the grumpy chap at the chemists. With Mars and Mercury both looking backwards, it’s a better time for us to catch hold of something we haven’t been doing too well and give it a gentle tweak, like listening if we’ve been butting in, or smiling at the grumpy chap at the che… damn, it’s not easy, is it. Good luck.



At the beginning of the week the phone pic of you and the Greek from HR goes viral. Two boil washes, a minimiser bra, and flat denial fail to convince your partner of your innocence after Shirley Who’s After Promotion tags it on Facebook. This can be avoided by checking your privacy settings right now. Go on, what are you waiting for? Oh yeah, resolution: in 2010, resolve to be more discerning with your naughty bits until the middle of June.


No matter how much you’d like a change, be wary of teletext offers and the pile of shiny brochures by the sofa. The last minute break you want to book to sun-soaked Fuengirola will result in lost luggage, bed bug bites, flat beer, a written warning, two annoyed cats and a dead stick insect. Your New Year’s resolution is to find a reliable petsitter. And to stop deep frying sushi.


Invest in a good waterproof mascara, there could be a damp week ahead. To avoid the constant concerned enquiries of your collected multitude of friends, associates, and delightful weirdos, hang a wooden board around your neck and carry a small knife and a Smartprice bag of onions to point at in explanation. It won’t solve anything but the chap in the burger van outside Rollerbury will hire you for New Year’s Eve. Your resolution? To take a deep breath and get oxygen back to your brain.


On New Year’s Eve consider a primal scream that curdles milk, crumbles mountains, and makes everyone at your party assume the crash position. Then have another glass of wine. Or two. In fact, if you condense all that sound and fury into a single glance, they’ll give you the bottle and get up dead early the next day to hoover. Your resolution for 2010, lovely crab, is to wear your underwear on the inside and keep those superpowers tucked under your shell. Or in your knickers.


You’ve had glitzier New Years. It won’t matter how much you work that thang, it won’t matter that you look as stunning as you did the year you ended up on a raised plinth surrounded by jets of champagne, being serenaded by John Barrowman and his troupe of sequined synchronised swimmers, it just won’t matter. You just won’t glow as brightly, and that’s okay, you’re still loved. Your New Year’s resolution, lovely lion, is to believe it.


Don’t panic. Yes, your get up and go got up and sodded off. Yes, the pleasure has trickled away. Don’t panic that you can’t see why or how. It just has for a while. It’s not permanent, neither is it fleeting. The thing you can do well right now is learn procrastination, the art of kings—apart from Henry VIII, but he had issues and a tab at H. Samuels. Virgo Resolution 2010: auld acquaintance should be forgot.


Saturn in your sign and Venus, your ruling planet, might be related in mutual reception right now, but that doesn’t stop them from having a bit of friction on Tuesday. And poor Venus already has one hell of a headache. Which leads me to thinking: your resolution for 2010, Libra, is to remember that things need to occasionally tilt off balance to become better long-term. A bottle of Orangina without a good shake is just fizzy orange with a final mouthful of pithy bits. Behind your charm is an ability to halt the people, organisations, nations, that you fear are shaking your bottle. In 2010 please be careful with that freeze ray.


On Monday morning, listen for the tap tap of little beaks on double-glazing. It’s bluebirds with brooms and a merry whistle, come to do your cleaning. Throw open the windows and let them in, and remember to keep them open to give your rooms a good chilly airing, otherwise the signs say there’s a danger the bluebirds might smack into them on their way out, and you’ll spend the first part of the week sweeping up little blue feathers. Mind you, can you use little blue feathers? Your resolution for 2010, oh Scorpion-Eagle-Phoenix, is to wear blue.


I was five, sat in the school hall for a Christmas assembly, when I found out baby Jesus was a boy. I remember the letdown, the acute disappointment, the resignation that the person allegedly sent to save the world had the Other gender. This week, Sagittarius, expect a similar challenge to hopes you hold dear, a similar imposed restriction on potential. Your resolution for 2010 is to keep on aiming your arrow true, and keep on hoping for the salvation of the human race. And a good woman.


It’s a good week to get together with a Libran—take flowers— and show them how something stays firm and true if it has a sturdy foundation. Post-coitally, you can bicker about whether to watch Cash in the Attic or Homes Under the Hammer on the bedroom 26inch. Find a safe place to hide from Cancer on New Year’s Eve. Your resolution, Capricorn, is, oh I don’t know, you’re the one with the clarity at the moment: what do you fancy?


You know, you pick up someone in a sticky-floored bar, spend four minutes with them against the skip, take them home, give them the password to your online banking, your gran’s wedding ring, a day out at Chester Zoo, and they still cause trouble. People, eh. Aquarius, your new year’s resolution is to change your passwords, tear up the Capybara adoption certificate, get that ring back, and test the next bar’s floor for stickiness.


The well-named Sookie Stackhouse is the latest in a tradition of characters, including Scanners, Bruce Almighty, some Heroes, and probably someone from a Twilight Zone, who can hear other people’s thoughts in their head whether they want to or not.  You alone know, Pisces, that it’s not just made up. This week your psychic sensors are a bit bruised by all the silent, raging upset you can’t shut out. You psychic sensor needs a psychic censor. No wonder you hit the bottle on New Year’s Eve. When you come to, your resolution this year is to let go of the need to make a resolution. It’s not a good year for them. Let go and watch it float gently away.


Sun Sign Horoscopage: 28th December 2009—3rd January 2010

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