Sun Sign Horoscopage: 4th–10th January 2010

Venus starts the week trying once again to explain to Jupiter that size really isn’t everything. The resulting guffaw from the gas giant blows Mercury back into the Sun.

The communicator apologises and, ever ready to revise his opinion of male potency, beckons Venus close to quietly ask her if it’s true what she said about willies. Misunderstanding her brisk nod as a mime of Monday morning, Jupiter grabs Mercury who—so 2009—tells the gas giant to Chillax. Jupiter, Neptune, and Chiron hold him up against and wall and take turns beating him up. You can understand why.

Mars hollers to the Sun and Venus to come see his new back-skating double flip. They applaud, before everyone chillaxes for the weekend, pausing only to lock the door on the Moon, who comes knocking at Sunday teatime with a big bucket of that old time religion.

*

Aries

Geoffrey the Good Effort Teddy gets to sit on your desk this week, after your PowerPoint presentation gets you noticed. The Head of Department presses a smiley face sticker on to your lapel. Someone else sellotapes a Kick Me sign to your back and Geoffrey is placed in a compromising position with a leftover chocolate Santa. Ignore them, eat the chocolate, and buff your sticker. Mmm, shiny.

Taurus

At a loose end, you begin the week by over-winding all the Christmas pressie LED torches to beam a picture of your bum into the night sky. Unfortunately, cloud cover breaks just at that moment and you end up irritating a small passing ship of Horsehead Nebulans who were trying to get some kip. The week ends with two ibroprofen, a soft cushion, and a stick of Rimmel Hide The Blemish.

Gemini

Those good intentions to sit down and complete your tax return morph into a Miss Marple marathon, while the tax form itself becomes an origami hippo. Nice work. Never mind, you can do it online last minute. Spending the last part of the week thinking up lurid Twitter hashtags involving Alistair Darling bolsters a sense of community fellow feeling that’s been recently lacking. Next week try limericks — now what rhymes with Harriet Harman?

Cancer

It’s not that the pair of steel toecapped bossy boots you bought in the sales pinch your pinkies, more that you’re worried that carrying the weight of them will give your shins the width and density of a concrete bollard. Still, the authority was good while it lasted. By all means tell your partner you returned the bossy boots for a refund, but please secretly stuff them in the back of the wardrobe, behind the eight tog duvet and the giant roll of cotton wool.

Leo

Are you sure that’s really a little kitty you’re rescuing from the snow? It looks a bit green. And scaly. Count its heads. Again. Have you seen your husband since you asked him to open the pouch of chicken in jelly KiteKat into a saucer? It’s very quiet around here, don’t you think? Peaceful.

Virgo

I realise it’s a bit much right now to ask you to go out and have fun. How about this for a gentle starter? Get out your Monopoly set, find your Scrabble board, your Connect 4, Cluedo, Mousetrap, Operation, Risk, and Hungry Hippos. Drag the Game of Life out from under your bed, track down your Trivial Pursuit. Got them all? Okay, your fun task for this week is to rewrite all the games’ instruction booklets into simple plain English. Go for the Crystal Mark. For a bonus, here’s a : should you have any time left at the end of the week for really serious fun, feel free to Copy and Paste your stars for this week (above) and insert the where necessary.

Libra

You really do have a talent for ease. I even feel good just writing your bit for the week, because I know when I reach you I’m over half done. Anyway. This week, Libra, get on the blower to those two interior decor chaps who were on I’m a Celebrity — Justin and Doodah who got chucked out early on. You’ve got the application needed to revise your vision of living-room window dressing design, the authority to get what you need as soon as you need it, and they are the chaps with the curtain fabric samples.

Scorpio

Over the Christmas break, the cindered residue in that coffee post you never did switch off has been evolving. You return to find your desk staffed by a tribe of tiny granular creatures who do your bidding at caffeinated super speed. Unfortunately, they jam the eff key of your keyboard, can’t work the photocopier, and leave teeny dabs of brown goo over your novelty Yoda USB desk protector. Oh well, for a minute there the edge, you had.

Sagittarius

You know, you can really be arsey.

Capricorn

Your task this week, Cappers, is to be tax deductible. Unlike Gemini, this week is the week to get your tax return done and returned. Boring, I know, but you really know your PAYE from your HMRC and form SA402 from SA303 and gawd, I’m yawning already. Completing it with ease, you’ll be proclaimed King of Self Assessment, and thousands will queue for your service, bowing low with teetering piles of tatty receipt history. Complete everybody’s for a fee: it’ll be easy. Send out the invoices but don’t expect payment for a couple of weeks.

Aquarius

This week you have been sent from above to annoy, frustrate, heckle, confound, block, irritate, upset, complicate, bamboozle, obfuscate and delay. You will begin every sentence with Yebbut. If you can tempt one away from its curtains, use a Libra as a body shield, you’ll be needing the protection.

Pisces

You’ll survive spiritually this week by attaching a smiling face mask to the back of your head and walking everywhere backwards. You’ll survive physically this week by watching your step and looking both ways before you cross the road. Your call.

*

Sun Sign Horoscopage: 4th–10th January 2010

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1 Response to “Sun Sign Horoscopage: 4th–10th January 2010”


  1. 1 garethfw January 3, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Do Rimmel make a stitch concealer?


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