Sun Sign Horoscopage 18th—24th January 2010

Before dawn on Monday there’s a rumble of a removal van. Jupiter is coming home to his old room in Pisces’ tumbledown riverside cottage. There’s a copy of Smash Hits dated February 1999 on the mattress and a strong smell of damp, but it’s home. Not one to travel light, Jupiter struggles to unload the van until the Moon passes by and gives him a hand with the sideboard. In contrast, that afternoon Venus throws a couple of wafty undergarments into a Louis Vuitton and drifts out of Capricorn’s castle to take Jupiter’s place in the Aquarius commune. While making the first square meal that Neptune and Chiron have had for months, she glances out of the kitchen window and smiles to see the gas giant sat on the riverbank with a bottle of Chablis dangling, chilling in the water,  from a string tied to his toe.

Mercury and Pluto – god of the underworld and his lackey* — or Venus? The Sun makes his choice, stuffs his holdall, and arrives at the commune first thing Tuesday. He sees Jupiter fishing for tiddlers that evening and shouts a hello through the kitchen window. The gas giant raises a friendly hand without turning. These are good, new times. A bit Jerome K. Jerome though, eh. Or Kenneth Grahame.

On Wednesday, Pluto finds a forgotten red satin thong, assumes it belongs to Venus, and sellotapes it to a paper aeroplane. He’s a cracking shot, and Venus is grateful if bemused as she untangles it from her curls. Thinking the knickers came from Saturn – they currently have an Understanding — she texts the serious one something saucy that falls below his expectations of Standard English but still gives him a smile.

The Sun is grateful to find that Venus has his red satin thong on Sunday; he thought he’d left it at Capricorn’s. Saturn posts a proper reply of Chaucerian lust back to Venus, only the Sun opens it by mistake and is quite taken by the syntax.

Meanwhile, because where there is Kenneth Grahame there is always a weasel, Mercury and Chiron fall out over something stupid and their shouts shred the Sunday afternoon peace. The Moon watches, slowly chewing on a slice of gala pie.

*Which, I’ve just found out, comes from the Turkish ulak, meaning messenger. How apt is that?

*

Aries

This is a hands-off week, which might be a little tricky for an initiator such as yourself. The best results come when your friend-friends and very-close-sexy-Friend-friends are simply left to get on with it. You can relax, or if you’re the kind of Aries who can only relax when your hands are busy, a batch of chocolate fairycakes never go amiss. These days you’re working behind the scenes for future glory. If the idea of glory makes you cringe — I know who you are — delete it and insert recognition.

Taurus

This week brings a cool wave over the toes of a stale ambition. Wriggle them and go for a paddle. Be innovative with your choice of metaphoric socks — mebbe the stripy ones with toes? Are they just stupid? The Dennis the Menace ones then, or the super-soft electric blue cashmere. The Moon moves in at the weekend, making it more important than ever to embrace that Taurus love of the senses and the sensual. If you must leave your bed, the Black Bull do an okay carvery for a fiver.

Gemini

If I had to pick someone to spend next week coordinating the various Haitian earthquake appeals, it would be a Gemini. You have a fresh, commonsense understanding of humanitarian needs, a wide network just waiting to be activated for a common good, and the presence and persistence needed to make a real creative change. At the weekend, old photos might open an old wound anew. Have a little cry, you’re loved, and you’ve done good.

Cancer

If something that once made you sing has recently died, it’s an excellent week for a relationship autopsy. If you have a tall tower, a long table, and a machine with a wiggly line of electricity, there is even a brief window later in the week through which a lightning bolt could strike and revive the corpse. But please, Cancer, think if this is what you truly want. All those peasants with the flaming torches will want feeding. Still, it’s up to you; my advice is to wear rubber soles.

Leo

The answer to a current relationship problem lies in the past. If, as they say, you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got. Of course, there are variables: temperament, tolerance, lung capacity, but on the whole if you want something new to happen with your significant other, you yourself are going to have to start by changing an old behaviour.  It will be liberating. Think back carefully, the cuffs are starting to chafe — where did you leave that key?

Virgo

Please ignore Maslow, you are entering a stage where the beautiful is as necessary as food and air in your hierarchy of needs. Build a cut flower allowance into your weekly budget, next to bread, milk and Toilet Duck. Wear the clothes you keep for best while you’re watching Holby City. Otherwise, place lovely things in surprising places, where you will see them often. If that means the Dalai Lama in the coat cupboard, Susan Sarandon in the garage, or Jason Isaacs under the sink, so be it. Please may I come for tea?

Libra

It might be the same old, same old this week, but you can tackle it with a philosophical optimism. Standing at the bus stop you see the world in a puddle, just before the 192 to Hazel Grove via Longsight soaks you in Papua New Guinea. Saturn in your sign trine Venus, your ruling planet, gives you staying power this week, however on Monday she slips into the house that rules golfcourses, nookie, parks, public morality, and circuses, so  you’ll need to be discriminating, or keep a sharp pencil handy for those memoirs.

Scorpio

Jumpstart the week with a small pill of Paulo Nutini under the tongue. Follow this up with a slow intravenous flow of Ian Dury. If this works as it should, you can have one small Nick Cave midweek. It’s good for what ails you.

Sagittarius

Bite down on a stick on Monday morning, until the overwhelming compulsion to turn your home into a Zen retreat for seasick puppies passes. The new energy that creates this urge is going to have to come out somehow, and there’s is a high probability it will find form as warm, deep dreams about boobies. You wouldn’t think there was any relationship between Zen-seeking seasick puppies and boobie dreams, but it’s all in Rex E. Bills, so there you go. It’s your choice: pillow or pooper-scooper?

Capricorn

The spotlight shifts off you this week. If you’ve taken the opportunities the past month has offered, the pace could now ease up. However, if, as I hope, you’re a living, pulsing goat with a rich appreciation for the fine art of procrastination, you’ll have the chance now to get your head down and get some substantive stuff done. Sort out your head and your finances and leave the others to rule the world. Just for this week. Heigh Ho.

Aquarius

Now, I know you might usually feel that the human perspective in the grand scheme of things is very small, but this week is all about who you are, what you value, and how you feel more than the sum of your parts. Just please ask permission before feeling the sum of anybody else’s parts, unless you’re an early Aquarius — you can get away with anything on your birthday.

Pisces

Elvis will visit at the stroke of ten past two on Monday morning. Vegas Elvis, in the whitest, most tasselled, rhinestoned jumpsuit you ever did see. The glare will wake you. Waggling a knee and swivelling an ankle, he’ll point a signet ringed finger at you from the foot of your bed. Turning up his palm, The King will offer to take you away from all this, to a spot lit circle on a casino stage, backed by singers and a band, the soft murmur of conversation and clink of sweating-cold martini glasses in front. It’s all for you; that’s the wonder of you.

*