Sun Sign Horoscopage: 1st–7th February 2010

Monday finds Jupiter in white hotpants and a blonde wig, bellowing a rendition of I Have A Dream which throws Mercury on to the tracks in front of his train of thought. Trying to have it out with Jupiter, Mr Quicksilver’s soon noisily refusing to dress up as Frida.

On Tuesday, Venus spoils Saturn’s print job by threading daisies through the HDMI cable. He sighs deeply and sends her out to play. In the early hours of Wednesday, the goddess of love dances around singing grumpy shorty moodypants under the Capricorn castle, ignoring the single dark Plutonian eye that glares through an arrow slit.

Jupiter waves a red bobbed wig under Saturn’s nose at breakfast on Thursday. The god of duty patiently explains that he’s not one for spangles, but can be persuaded so long as he can sing solo on The Day Before You Came.

Mercury and Uranus spend Saturday setting up a huge firework display. Saturn sneaks into the Capricorn castle with a sheaf of music score. As the first rocket goes up, the back of Pluto’s forefinger runs across the piano keyboard and everyone gets up for Dancing Queen.

On Sunday, Venus, Mercury, Chiron, and Neptune all find themselves in the right place at the right time, but none of them are quite sure for what. They stand around watching the Sun and Saturn fight it out until Venus catches Chiron’s eye and drags him round the back of Pisces’ cottage for a snog.



Believing that effort put in = results achieved, you become hugely frustrated when the bloody-minded Universe marks your work with a thick cross in red biro. It’s not just or fair, and the only release this week is from starting an I Think Mr Universe is a Pants Teacher with Stinky Breath and Rubbish Hair Facebook group, which gets 557,669,189 members by the weekend.


You know you will only become noticed at work by doing one thing exceptionally well. You need to specialise in a single small part of your field. This is the week that you crack it. An unexpected visit to the vet, a stone in your muesli, a queue for the bathroom, a soft tyre, and a trip down the stairs on your head: all of these crystallise the chance for you to become the renowned expert in not being able to get your shit together to get to work on time. Congratulations.


When asked what he fancied for next week, my Gemini son said he’d like to not get told off in school and get all his answers right and everything. Rightio, Gemini, you shall have that. But not until the weekend. Which isn’t much use really, is it?


A pleasant Cancer friend recently told me about a card sent by her ex on the occasion of their on-again off-again relationship finally, terminally switching to the off position. In it he used the word negate. Now, negate is a word, we know this, but is it a word you use in a card — even a card honouring a relationship as alive as a Norwegian Blue? Cancer, you are the high master of holding things back until just the right time, so I’m sorry to tell you that this week has the severe risk of someone you know using big words in all the wrong places. How boring.


Resistence is futile, Leo, you just don’t have the oomph right now. These past few frustrating weeks have stoked your inner ire from simmer to boil; if you’ve not felt it inside, have a think about how you might have projected it into the world. Are you bumping into furniture a lot? Are people being rather shouty? Is there a small man with a big knife and a very red face jumping up and down on your lawn in a fury? Let ‘em, you’re lovely.


Thank you.

Print that off. Laminate it, if you like. Put it in your wallet, purse or pocket until needed. At the weekend you just might get another one.


You’re wearing the troll t-shirt this week, Libra. I know you just want to keep the grass nice, but trying to stop others from crossing the bridge to munch on it is a battle of wits and strength you’re unlikely to win. Best to ignore the gruff bleats and get out for a bit at the weekend. You might find a whole new meadow.


Look, if you buy a place because it is built on an ancient burial ground it seems a bit churlish to grumble when the festering undead rise filthy and yawling in hideous discordant protest at your choice of wallpaper. Settle them on the sofa with an Anaglypta sample book and a plate of fondant fancies, before emailing Glade with your new idea for a Stench of the Grave PlugIn.


You have worries for the sorting, but friends who’ve heard them all before suddenly remember a previous engagement at, you know, that place, with, um, anyway it’s dead urgent so bye, hope you feel better soon. Go through the phonebook until you find a counsellor that does overtime, use them, then toss them aside like the screwed-up sticky tissue they got a diploma to be. They love it. Any residual stress can be released by a weekend trip to Ikea with a sharp-cornered trolley.


This week finds your siblings trip-trapping over the bridge to munch on the lush spring grass on the other side. Unbeknown to you, in order to cross the bridge they’ve set you up as troll fodder. Typical.  Sharpen your billy-goat horns until the weekend, then take a good run-up, and you’ll toss the old troll sploosh into the river.


Phew. Keep going. I’m sorry about the restricted adventures, the contorted beliefs, the frustrated lessons. It’ll get a lot better at the weekend, until then, just keep going.

(And happy birthday if it’s your turn – eat cake!)


I’ll come clean: I have a Pisces Sun. I’m telling you only because I could do with a little help from the Pisces collective this week, fishy friends. I’m feeling — for reasons unconnected with my Sun, don’t worry, it’s longterm Lunar stuff – stressed to buggery. And as it’s another stressy week ahead for most, I’d like you to use your talents. Think of something, one good thing that makes you simply happy, feel it in your heart and head becoming real, then quietly send it out into the world through a soft exhale. Sort of like a flying Monkey from Oz, sent out to do your bidding. Only not evil. You don’t have to tell anyone, it can be a quiet, real thing. It will do us all good. I’ll read this back and do it too. Have a lovely week. (I gave Saggy a similar task last week — you have the advanced course.)

Sun Sign Horoscopage: 1st–7th February 2010

3 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage: 1st–7th February 2010”

  1. 1 Double Earth February 1, 2010 at 3:11 am

    Virgo (Taurus rising): Thank You, dearest, wonderfulest (is that a word?), funnest (one ‘n’ or two?), bestest distracted astrologer! ‘kay… now that’s out of the way… what am I thanking you for? And (at least until the weekend)… “Next!”

  2. 2 Linda February 4, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Hey Pisces Sun here too – I was silly enough to get on a chairlift over a river full of brothers and sisters and in doing so entered the well known fishy fugue state of abject fear. It has taken all week to get over it, and I am stil disconnected from my reality which is that septugenarian fishes with fears of heights should not rise to the bait….fins now on the ground – it will all come good once Uranus buggers off…..

    • 3 distractedastrologer February 7, 2010 at 2:36 pm

      Linda, it sounds as though we share a blithe Neptunian disregard for previous experiences of abject terror at altitude.

      Is Uranus visiting you personally right now? It’s been a few years since he came to fiddle with my ‘lectrics (am an early fish) and I really, really, REALLY miss the feeling of being … alive, I suppose, that I had when he was here. I wonder if, once he leaves with his chemistry set, you’ll find yourself looking up at the birds in the sky, and sighing.

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