Sun Sign Horoscopage: 8th–14th February, 2010.

Early on Monday, Venus hooches up next to Neptune for a look at his holiday snaps. This delights the ice giant: nobody else ever hangs around when he pulls out his tatty packets of paddling in Fuengirola 4x6s. The Sun hides behind a blind, he doesn’t want to sit through 360 almost identical photos of sea. Unfortunately, he knocks an obsidian vase from the Aquarius windowsill onto the skull of Pluto, who’s strolling in the Capricorn castle grounds, below. The little fella’s less than pleased.

Neptune’s snaps are still out on the table when Mercury arrives for a short stay on Wednesday, but the trickster god wisely stays near the door. Wednesday also finds Mars asking Jupiter for help with his cricked neck (an inevitable side effect of walking backwards for too long). Jupiter can’t be bothered, inventing some excuse about having to make up a bed for Venus, who’s arriving at the Pisces cottage early the next morning.

On Friday, Mars hollers out to Pluto for some help with his neck, catches sight of the planetoid’s bandage and scowl, and thinks better of it.

At the weekend, oh heck, I’m knackered just looking at the weekend — everyone is getting up to something. Mercury plays nice with Saturn, laughs at Mars, and helps Pluto with his bandage, before having a kick around with Jupiter. Venus gets stoned, and annoys Saturn and Mars by bogarting. The Sun and Uranus like what the other is wearing, and our star ends the weekend with an amazing cuddle with healer Chiron (but does he send him to help Mars with his neck? No) and dreamer Neptune. It’s better than a kick in the teeth, and makes a more loving Valentine’s Day than any fat kid with wings and a bow and arrow can do.


It’s a New Moon in Aquarius on Sunday morning, at 2:51 UT. If you’re awake or about, take a minute to close your eyes and wish a wish for freethinking, free will, and friends.



The short straw you pull this week could be the one that breaks the camel’s back. You’re going backwards by going forwards, but you’ll gather no moss, just eggs (if there’s a golden one, skip the roast goose). Trust that Grandma already knows how to suck them, be careful to put them in more than one basket, and don’t count them until they’re hatched and tweeting – not this week. Take care walking on the shells. Yeah, it’s a metaphor muddle, a cliché clusterfuck, and it fits. Check your work email on Valentine’s Day.


When your mum calls this week, pretend to be out in the shower walking the dog still at work shopping poorly [cough]. She’ll just be going on with herself about aches and the neighbour’s bowels and stuff, and you need to focus on work right now. Being wholly attentive to your partner on Valentine’s Day brings greater reward than a dozen overpriced shedding garage roses, but you’re unlikely to realise it as it doesn’t involve instant nudity.


A time machine’s what you need. Not sure if I can get you one of those, I’d have to order the parts. Tell you what I can do:  if you’re awake worrying in the early hour of next Sunday, screw your eyes up tight and wish for a teleportation device. With one of those communication badges that tweet when you press them. And a jumpsuit. It’s a good Valentine’s Day to be beamed up.


You’ve really buggered that budget, haven’t you.  A wish could come true at the weekend, but please be honest about what you need — no puppies or Gordon Ramsey en croute — if the best Valentine’s pressie you could have is some help with the rent or mortgage, drop some big hints from midweek.


They are going to start answering you back from midweek. Wise kitty that you are, avoid umbrage, or what my mum calls having the arsehole. If you can pull this off, come the weekend we will all hear you purr. There are no secret Valentines this year: they are known and real and warm, and come with a saucer of cream.


After a false start and a broken nail, you find your stride midweek. Or is it your stomp? Just be clear about what you want, and be careful: wanting an organised workspace might mean you take sacks of faxes and post-it notes home at the weekend. I’m not saying don’t do this, but only do it if it makes you satisfied, and please leave a little window open for St Valentine on Sunday evening.


Answer your emails, get the shopping in, finish your homework, and get that international peace treaty signed off by Thursday lunchtime. After a light lunch of poached egg on toast (don’t tell Aries, they’ll fret) you’ll want to do nothing but give a misty thousand-yard stare while softly blowing bubbles into your apple Tango. Ah well, it’s a tricksy Valentine’s for you this year, so that wibbly wobbly world of your own might be the best place to be.


A 1493 representation of St Valentine says he was arrested, imprisoned, clubbed, stoned, and beheaded. Happy now?


About that decision: you’ve been playing a game with fantasy and reality for a while but I can’t work out whether it’s Twister or Jenga. Can you? This week is a muddle that leaves you wanting clarity and somewhere to snuggle. A burst of optimism on Valentine’s Day can makes you decide your fantasy is reality. Twister or Jenga — do you want to fall in a tangle or get concussion?


Midweek, you finally stop trying to tell the Universe what it can’t do. Ask nicely, and on Saturday it might give you your ball back. If you’ve been throwing your weight around with your partner as well as with the inconceivable vastness of infinity, you can make up for it on Sunday by spending big spends on them. In a spendy way.


This is a week for thinking. Feeling blows you a kiss as she leaves for a while — think of it as you wish a wish on Sunday’s New Moon in your sign. (Don’t tell or it won’t come true). You are somebody’s Valentine, you sweet, funny Valentine.


Pinch thumbs, hold your breath, jump up and down midweek. Anything, just don’t act on that sudden inspiration, however blinding it seems, it’s a bit rubbish and will confuse things further. Venus arrives to make everything better on Thursday, setting your Valentine weekend to interstellar overdrive. Did you know that most astronauts become two inches taller in space? I don’t know about their willies, perhaps you could find out.


Sun Sign Horoscopage: 8th–14th February, 2010.

5 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage: 8th–14th February, 2010.”

  1. 1 GarethFW February 7, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Since when did willies have vertebrae?

    People are generally slightly taller in the morning for the same reason. Willies are sometimes bigger in the morning, but for a different reason.

    I don’t mind the lack of instant nudity at all. I can wait 5 mins or maybe even 6 mins.
    Or at least until the kids are out of the room.

    G x

  2. 3 GarethFW February 7, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Look to your right.

  3. 5 thecraftycaravan February 14, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Brillent i love your blog its down to earth and made me chuckle blessings xxx

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