Sun Sign Horoscopage 1st–7th March, 2010

Starting the week on breakfast duty, Mercury accidentally drops The Big Book of Poems into the coffee grinder. Ah well, he crosses fingers, fills the cups, and hopes they’ll not notice.

Mars wakes during Monday night with a case of chronic coffee heartache burn. He shouts at Mercury in iambic pentameter. Always slower to react, on Tuesday, Saturn’s head fills with the lines It is the pressing that makes a line of earth a path /Feet and wheels / It is better known than a lover’s body. He shakes Mercury with frustration, as it’s the only love song that could ever make sense to the planet of slow, certain pressure, and he can’t find the source, not even by Googling.

On Thursday,

Venus and Uranus


off  across the




while Pluto lays an ear to the floorboard and bids Mercury to look out for ravens. Venus and Neptune gossip in couplets, half each, well into the night.

Saturday gives plenty of time for the Sun to declaim The Wreck of the Hesperus from a small rowing boat on Lake Pisces. Of course he falls in, splashes and splutters, but Mars, liking the sudden peace, assures everyone that the great ball of fire is not drowning, but waving.

Venus enters Aries on Sunday. Delighted, Mars strokes her hair, and they murmer:

You are the centre of your little world and I am of mine.
Now and again we meet for tea, we’re two of a kind.
This is our universe, cups of tea.
We have a beautiful cosmos, you and me.
We have a beautiful cosmos.
What do we talk of whenever we meet? Nothing at all.
You sit with a sandwich I look at a roll.
Sometimes I open my mouth, and shut it.
We have a beautiful cosmos, you and me.
We have a beautiful cosmos.
You are the centre of your little world and I am of mine.
We have a beautiful cosmos, you and me.
We have a beautiful cosmos.

(Ivor Cutler.)



Even though you pop up first here, I’ve left you ‘til last, and I’ve got a chicken that’s ready to come out of the oven. Thing is, when a sign is going to have something significant going on, I sometimes have to have a good feel around before I’m happy with how to say it. Aries, you’ve got a most welcome change of pace coming up. It’s not quite here yet, but the end of this week especially sees a time of good feeling that prepares the ground for easier to handle times. Also, spectacular naughtiness.  (I hope that’s worth slightly dry breast meat and soggy broccoli, Aries daughter.)


You have until the weekend to indulge in that fantasy of no-strings multi collegial boinking. Thursday is particularly good for involving the boss, Pacman undies, and the pink coconut ones from a box of liquorice allsorts. If you’re self-employed you get to eat the lot. Remember to keep it in your head, won’t you.


Good, Gemini, very good. This week sees you getting recognition for all that stuff you do anyway: talking, thinking, writing, networking… Either that or you’ll be vague, stutter, and fall out with everyone. Heads or tails?


However tempting it is, Cancer, hold off before booking that holiday. I know it would give you something tangible to look forward to and buy factor 50 for, but you don’t want to be paying Caribbean money for Frinton-on-Sea. Could you freeze your credit card in an old ice-cream tub full of water until next week?


That scary thing is your head, at least the insides of it — you’re still just about managing to keep the outside looking glossy and well-conditioned. Not long now, lovey, you’re doing really well.


They might be a royal pain in the arse but they are still important to you. Time talking things through is time well spent*. Just don’t back down unless you really mean it.

*Mercury in your 7th quincunx Saturn in your 2nd: can you see what I did there?


It’s not that your routine is more organised this week, Libra, it’s that you’ve got the adaptable head needed to cope with bonkers disruption. At the weekend you are Pam Ewing, and that’s Patrick Duffy in your shower.


Forget quirky, go all-out for the full-on kinky this week, Scorpio. By the weekend the deviant might feel routine, the depraved a bit pedestrian, but that won’t stop it from being delicious.


Your ruling planet is quiet this week, Saggy, which could be a good thing. It’s hard to ignore a gas giant with a mass two and a half times the rest of the planets in the solar system combined, when he’s acting up. Or even scratching his nose. This week offers the opportunity to think something through with compassion and respect for your deeply-held values. Quite straight this week, I know. Maybe you need the space.


There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. You have a choice this week, Capricorn: are you Horatio or the smart arsed Prince of Denmark? Choose the former and you’ll hear the polite cough of a small fantastical creature who wants to talk.


Do you do that thing where you want to have a good clear out but can’t think of anything you’re willing to throw, then you go back a few weeks later and effortlessly fill a charity bag with the same clothes, books and soft toys you thought you could never be without? Some of you are at the first stage right now — the hoarding, cuddling, page-sniffing stage; others of you are ready with the bag. In your own time, Aquarius.


As you probably know, a Babel fish is a little alien fishy discovered by Douglas Adams, which, when popped inside your ear canal, works as a universal translator. This week, Pisces, you are a Babel fish, interpreting intergalactic truths for the other eleven twelfths of the population, who have found themselves unaccountably befuddled. This interpretation juju works just as well with Ikea flatpack instructions. Providentially, should you fancy a Swedish meatballs and Daim cake cafe lunch, on Sunday Venus moves into your house of stuff. So go buy stuff.


Sun Sign Horoscopage 1st–7th March, 2010
Garden Path At Filcombe – Ivor Cutler
Pressed in are small stones
Leaves and fine sticks lie flat out of line
Large stones show their tips
I guess their mass
It is the pressing that makes a line of earth a path
Feet and wheels
It is better known than a lover’s body
And holds a quieter appreciation of my warm awareness
(A love song for Saturn. Transcribed from Jammy Smears. Now perhaps it can be Googled.)


8 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 1st–7th March, 2010”

  1. 1 nray February 28, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Loved it. How did you know about the poetry???!!! 🙂

    Adore this, “…you’ll hear the polite cough of a small fantastical creature who wants to talk.”

    • 2 distractedastrologer March 1, 2010 at 7:39 pm

      Hiya Neeti, hah! While writing this week’s I felt so sad that I’ve forgotten so much poetry, and so much about poetry. There are only a couple of marbles left rattling around in the jar. I swear Ne conj Me a couple of years ago permanently cauterised my mind.

  2. 3 Jo Tracey March 1, 2010 at 2:09 am

    As always, a great read. mmmm Ikea & stuff- me feels a power walk at lunchtime around Ikea coming on!

  3. 5 Morvah March 1, 2010 at 10:53 am

    A fish is a fish for ‘a that

  4. 7 Michelle March 1, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Spectacular naughtiness? Something significant? Bring it on!

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