Sun Sign Horoscopage: 15th–21st March 2010

On Monday evening, Mercury and Uranus make the monthly meeting of Luminaries a bit more interesting by spiking the Sun and Moon’s cocoa.

On Tuesday, the silver-tongued god of commerce hears that Neptune and Chiron are making St Patrick’s Day aftercare packages, and offers them a healthy bulk buy discount on alka seltzer.

Wednesday finds the Sun with a St Paddy’s day tab at the Pisces bar and a new friend in Uranus. Neptune and Venus fall out after their third pint of stout and cider, while Mercury quietly packs his bag for a move next door. Not one for clearing-up, isn’t our Mercury.

Thursday’s Sun only moves to accept slow sips of alka seltzer from concerned Neptune. Venus raises her head from the floorboards, tells Chiron to sod off, then hides under the mat until the Universe stops somersaulting. In another room of the Aries house, Mercury phones landlord Mars, to offer him free cable, no questions asked. Shortly before midnight, the Sun accepts Chiron’s kind offer of two paracetamol and a pint of Irn Bru.

Friday is quiet, in a sleeping-off or watching back-to-back episodes of All Creatures Great and Small sort of way.

On Saturday morning, a window at the Capricorn castle flies up, and Pluto bawls across to Mercury. As catchy as the theme tune is, if he has to listen once more to those merry pom pom poms he would personally raze the Yorkshire Dales to the ground, rendering the role of a mid 20th century rural vet defunct. Mercury changes channel to Hi-De-Hi.

Saturday teatime, the Sun bursts through the front door of the Aries house, ready for his fresh, new, sober start. The week ends with the Sun and landlord Mars planning a new extension to the Aries house. It always gets crowded there this time of year.

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Aries

Did last week not live up to the promises of renewed Va Va Voom? Was it disjointed? A little bit Va? A bit oom? This week adds continuity — particularly from late Wednesday onwards when your sign gets more company and your ruler plays nice — gives you the engine you need to pick up the speed, and a pen to add an exclamation mark.

Taurus

Take yourself by the horns from midweek, bull, and go cause some trouble. You know where it needs causing. If you don’t cause it, some career-minded type will cause it for you. Brownie points for trouble-causing with a proper, pleasant Colgate™ smile.

Gemini

This week, your ruling planet steps out in a new direction with a burst of revolutionary zeal, has half the secret of healing its hurts revealed in a dream, wakes with winged heels to match those on his helmet, gets laid, has a smackdown with a wet blanket for being too hasty, and gets into a familiar fight they just can’t win. Hope you like it busy.

Cancer

When you appear on Masterchef this week, as well as your natural talent you’ll have the drive and originality necessary to win. I’m asking you to risk this for the sake of the nation. Instead of creating a roux to die for, could you find Gregg Wallace’s volume control and turn it down a few notches? And if you could locate the small screws at the side of John Torrode’s jaw, please give them a quick tighten – that’s a mouth he’s got, not a trapdoor.  If this social suicide seems like throwing yourself on the grenade to save the platoon, swap that grenade for a Chocolate Bombe and you’ll be put through to the quarter-finals.

Leo

This is the perfect week to keep your mouth shut and express yourself through the medium of international dance. It will end up just as it does in the musicals. I promise. My fingers are crossed, but I promise.

Virgo

Get a sheet of green acetate, hold it to your screen, then read Gemini for this week. You have the same ruling planet, but see things a bit differently.

Libra

This week, the action seems to happen outside of you. People seem very busy and excited with a shiny new idea you think is pants (in Libra-speak, interesting initial thoughts, inviting further discussion). When they accuse you of pissing on their chips, call it dressing.

Scorpio

After nearly two weeks of glorious bondage fun, your partner spits out the gag and starts to wriggle. Damn. Nice while it lasted.

Sagittarius

Be careful where you say what you have to say this week, Saggy. Domestic applause for your sturdy ideas for creative change doesn’t assure automatic workplace approval. When your boss kicks you up the arse for being gobby, can you take it as constructive feedback?

Capricorn

It’s a great week for getting your affairs in order. Which is reassuring, as midweek what you see as coming straight to the point of the matter could be viewed differently by the pointee. Check under your car for suspicious devices and skulking cats.

Aquarius

Last night, my husband used the convection setting on our combi microwave to bake a cake for Mothering Sunday. After the ping, the cake was still squidgy in the middle, so he popped it back in for another five minutes. Only, he pressed the microwave button. This week, Aquarius, your mistakes could end just as well, and you too could breakfast on a thick, crunchy slice of chocolate biscake.

Pisces

If you were to wish a wish for a new way of thinking which perversely helps you be more yourself, what wish would you wish? Spend Monday considering, and set your wish watch for 21:01 GMT/UT. Not to worry if, at that moment, your wish watch is on the chest of drawers while you’re in the shower, this week — the first half especially —is good for planting new thoughts and new ways of being nothing other than your lovely self.

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Sun Sign Horoscopage: 15th–21st March 2010

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