Sun Sign Horoscopage 29th March – 4th April 2010

Is it that time already? Is that nice beardy bloke getting nailed to a cross again, waking up on the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after the vernal equinox? Is it Pesach for a bundle of people for whom nice beardy bloke ‹ Messiah? Is that a fast fertile hare with attitude? The goddess Eostre, real or made up by Bede? Yup, it’s that time. Spring is sproinging, unless you walk around upside down and the nights are drawing in. What a muddle.

Perhaps despite our different beliefs, faiths, traditions of this time of year, we can all come together in unity of eating chocolate eggs. Venus moving into Taurus says we can, and as this week also sees Mercury move into Taurus, I shall write of love and life and chocolate eggs. Mostly chocolate eggs.


Venus and Mercury have a monster session of Simon Says this week, with the sort of giggling that snorts milk out of nostrils. Later there are squabbles of unfinished delicate business.



Sharpen your elbows for an early Easter egg hunt with your co-workers. There are more than enough eggs to go around, don’t let this dull the chase. Getting to them first and sharing them afterwards makes you a beneficent victor— and you get to keep the giant one with the three Mars Bars. At the weekend your origami efforts with the foil fail miserably.



I’ve a feeling I’ve said that to you before. I write as I find.


My uber-Air, Gemini Sun son loves chocolate. He just forgets he has it. Any eggs the bunny brings (although, not impressed by bunnies, his eggs are brought by Esther the kick-arse hare) will be piled up on top of the leftover Christmas stash in his cupboard. If you are like my son, Gemini, this week finds you in a brilliant bargaining position with Taurus. Do try and remember to monster just one small bag of mini eggs though, we won’t look if you talk with your mouth full.


This week your shell melts at body temperature. Keep a large towel handy for the weekend.


I’ll have a Flake egg please. Or a Twirl. Or Minstrels. Really, any would be lovely, just not one of those that comes with a mug, my cup cupboard’s full. Thank you, you’re lovely. Really, really lovely. Have a cuddle.


Spending your tax rebate on an Easter weekend trip to Cadbury World to assess the efficiency of mass chocolate production is a really bad idea. The small people there are stickier, less tuneful, and nowhere near as tidy as Oompa Loompas.


Tuesday finds you swinging violently from the light fitting, smearing 40% cocoa solids across the Farrow and Ball Cornforth White. Again again!


This week, Scorpio, you are the chocolate alchemist, using your magic to make something new from the old. Melting down the Prima Materia of your sealed alembic egg, pouring the hot liquid drool into a bunny mould. Albedo, nigredo, milk, whichever, eating chocolate is so much more satisfying when it has a head to bite off.


Did you know that chocolate is a banned substance in horse racing? I didn’t. Apparently, chocolate’s stimulant properties are more potent for horses than people. You centaurs will think you’re fine with excess this week … able to handle just one more crème egg … then it’ll reach your legs. Tally ho!


I saw a flat pack Easter egg yesterday, Capricorn. It was an ordinary bar of chocolate with a witty label, marketed as a flat pack Easter egg. The interesting bit is that the 150g bar was on sale for £2.70. Daft, but inspiring for you this week, when staying pragmatic in the face of others’ excess gives you a good chance of making a killing.


You are the Fairtrade face of Easter, Aquarius. Few will be able to look you in the eye, so focus on your Powerpoint presentation of child trafficking and labour on the cocoa plantations of West Africa.


You can be the Easter Beagle this week, Pisces. Watch your egg spends early on. You are the master of concealment but can be a bit forgetful, can’t you, so mark each Lindt bunny carefully on a special map as you hide it. Keep the map well away from Aries, and please reconsider the bonnet.


Sun Sign Horoscopage 29th March – 4th April 2010

9 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 29th March – 4th April 2010”

  1. 1 Anthea March 29, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Have Oompa Loompas up the road, will have no truck with shoddy substitutes.

    (Seriously. The inspiration for that particular chocolate factory is across the park and up the road a wee bit, firmly in Florence’s sphere of influence)

  2. 5 jitterjotter March 29, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    I hope I’ll be able to substitute carrot cake for the chocolate…

  3. 7 jitterjotter March 30, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    I’ve had students like that….what a clip !!

  4. 8 David X. Hugo April 3, 2010 at 7:30 am

    My Birthday is the 23rd of October, which to my chagrin always seems to land me as either a Scorpio or a Libra. I have been told there are things called “cusps” which is someone whose birthday falls near the point where two astrological signs change…but some astrologers give no credence to the cusp thing.

    As someone who obviously knows something about astrology (I hope), I have a few questions: Can a person belong to two different signs, what do you know about the Scorpio Libra combination, how do I read horoscopes if I do fall on the cusp, and if there isn’t a cusp which fucking one do I belong to?

    Thank you in advance.

    • 9 distractedastrologer April 4, 2010 at 10:34 am

      Hello David, good to meet you. No, I have no time for sign cusps, you are one or the other. House cusps, yes. Entering your birth details – place and as accurate a time as you can, this is important – at will bring your chart up for you, including your Sun sign, which is just one piece of the jigsaw. As for which to read? None, it’s Sun sign astrology. Get to know your whole chart. Bests.

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