Sun Sign Horoscopage 14th–20th June 2010

Delighted by the excellent natural light in the Leo bathroom, Venus swells Monday morning with Elvis, The Wonder of You, on top volume. She stands in front of the mirror, bellowing along. Uranus adds a verse about the wonder of being double jointed with double cream, and Venus goes boldly off to experiment. Impressed, on Tuesday Jupiter lends her his Vegas tassles.

None of which is good when you just want to watch the footy in peace. Mars and Pluto put their heads together and strike a deal involving cold hard cash and future housecleaning duty. Everyone else skips out to the park with their sweetie money. Mars and Pluto flop in front of the flatscreen, beers in hand.

Full of jellytots and still fancying a mint Cornetto, Venus wheedles an extra fiver out of Pluto on Friday. Friday is her day, afterall.

Sick of the Sun’s staccato Gemini babblings, Saturn hides his phone charger. It runs out of juice on Saturday, and there is one hell of an argument between the mass of incandescent gas and the grumpy old man. Neptune steps in on Sunday, giving the Sun a quick lesson is astral projection that allows him to visit everybody and everywhere all at once, and sees shares in Vodafone plummet.

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Aries

Mr Distracted and I are at the choose-a-builder stage of a garage conversion and kitchen extension we’ve been faffing about and dithering over for years. I wish I could choose you as my builder this week, Aries. You’d have it done by the weekend and it would look brill. Not sure about the laser light show above the sink, though. A discrete recessed spot would have been fine.

Taurus

If you’ve enough in your account to fund that secret ambition to handglide naked above the M25 at rush hour, then go for it. If the police have finished with you by Sunday, find a small patch of sunlight to curl up in and purr.

Gemini

Go on, I dare you.

Cancer

Yes, you could use that piece of news for your short-term professional advantage, Cancer, but the secret is another person’s.  Is it worth the weekend Facebook smackdown?

Leo

Despite your past bratty actions, this week a soft knock at the door brings a tender love devoted to you alone. Will you be out shoe shopping?

Virgo

I’m not sure how you feel about sexual favours, but they could certainly strengthen this week’s bargaining position.

Libra

This week, it is absolutely your right to run off with your most colourful, generous friends for a week of jollies. Your partner will find solace in the soft arms of an exotic beauty with sun-warmed breasts and flower-scented breath. So that’s alright.

Scorpio

Don’t bother with blackmail this week, you don’t know enough. Keep things simple with straightforward bribery, because friends are yours for the buying.

Sagittarius

This week, the idea of you giving another person relationship advice makes the Universe laugh so hard it does a little wee.

Capricorn

Have you set up that offshore account yet? It’s going to take a skilled international intermediary to avoid that tax bill. Spend the weekend checking up on your sweatshops: I’ve heard the under-sevens have started to take an extra two minutes tea break. Think what that will do to your profit margin.

Aquarius

I’ll tell you what we’ll do … no, it’s gone. Sorry. It was something about meercats.

Pisces

I was going to write that this week isn’t going to go as planned. That’s not quite right. What I mean is that this week isn’t going to go as feared. How cool is that? Be splendid.

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Sun Sign Horoscopage 14th–20th June 2010

Something about meercats.

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