Sun Sign Horoscopage 28th June – 4th July 2010

On Monday, the Sun and Mercury grab the mic for a lunchtime karaoke duet of Feelings. They are awful, but the Moon in Aquarius encourages everyone else to critique the performance objectively, until a misguided shot at an encore makes Saturn and Neptune dive under the stage and pull all the plugs.

Tuesday’s Venus asks Jupiter to prove it. That takes the rest of the day.

Wednesday’s Venus asks Pluto to prove it. That takes the smile off her face.

Mercury in Cancer has the home, Mars in Virgo has the dusters. On Thursday they get together for a deep clean. All goes well until Mercury passes the hoover plug to Neptune. He sticks it in a socket at the Aquarius house. There’s a sizzle, a pop, then darkness.

Friday finds Mercury on Chiron’s doorstep, begging  fusewire. He has none, so emails everyone’s favourite moonlighting electrician. It takes until Saturday for Uranus to turn up with a whole new consumer unit.

Saturday’s Moon tells the Sun something he’d rather not know about his mam.



Following a sudden impulse to stand up and speak out at work on Thursday turns heads and leads to an afternoon stationery cupboard tryst. Wear cotton undies, nobody wants to fiddle with Betty Swollocks.


This week, a perfect moment of solitude and quiet happiness is shattered by a phonecall from your mum. If she’s passed over, this could really make you jump.


Well, frankly, if you said that to me you’d get far more than a fine. Think yourself lucky.


You’ve got until mid-afternoon on Thursday before you start to talk cobblers. Until then, you can talk your way out of brothel-raid even though your trousers are around your ankles and there’s a feather duster poking out of your bum. Can you see how important it is that you accurately judge when that UPVC window of opportunity is about to slam down on your knuckles?


If you carry on sighing over the handsome stranger from far away, or the exotic beauty with the sparkly thing in her navel, someone a lot closer to home is going to stop your pocket money.


I’ve been grumbling to one of your number about how unresponsive the keys of my laptop have become. If I type without goig bac to ceck itlooks someting lie this. I wnder if it’s the kys or my fingers. This week, Virgo, you will have the equivalent of sticky, dull keys. Or sticky dull fingers. Whatever, don’t let this put you off ordering a shiny new netbook for the soul.


Read Sagittarius then put yourself in the Size 1 scuffed Clarkes of the children. Yeah.


This week, Scorpio, you have the prescience of Paul the octopus. You might want to keep it quiet, unless you want to find a horse’s head on your pillow. Stick to scratch cards and drinking games.


Last week, I walked in crocodile through the Lowry gallery with twenty-four six and seven year olds. We had looked, we had squinted, we had drawn, we had eaten ice-cream, now we were looking for the dressing-up box. Instead, we found ourselves walking through a room, another room, past a wall, and dead-ending-up in one more room of Spencer Tunick’s rather marvellous exhibition of lots and lots and lots of people in the nuddy.

This week is going to be a bit like that for you, Sagittarius. There’s a lot to appreciate, squint at, draw, and lick. Just please don’t expect to dress up, the dressing-up box has gone, and be ready to answer the loud voice of your inner child asking why that man has his dingle out.


Yes you can afford a holiday. It’s called ‘embezzlement’.


Are you a Mad Scientist or are you merely differently-thoughted and in a white coat? Take a look at your work surface: is that thing you’re dissecting a frog or the UPS delivery man? After Thursday it’s quite important that you know the difference.


Hurray, Pisces! This is a great week for giving practical help to those who could use it. Please check though that the homeless person isn’t a Capricorn in disguise. Check for Gucci shoes and an empty Starbucks cup labelled holiday fund.



A megastar brings you the Sun and Mercury in Cancer’s Monday lunchtime karaoke appointment.

7 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 28th June – 4th July 2010”

  1. 1 Anthea June 27, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Arse. Feck. Bollocks.

    No, no, the keys so far are fine. But it’s the wrong week for dull, sticky anything. Any chance of skipping this week altogther? Ta.

  2. 4 Miriamaok June 28, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    stationery cupboard trystings?? Have you seen the size of our stationery cupboard? I’d have to be one of those tiny gymnasts with very bendy parts.

    • 5 distractedastrologer June 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm

      Bendy gymnastics is next week. Hmm. How about the Blue Peter Garden?

      Anyway lady, at least you *have* a stationery cupboard. G has to come to London for his envelopes. At least, that’s why he tells me he’s in the stationery cupboard …

  3. 6 Karen July 4, 2010 at 6:23 am

    I am going to devise a particular seated position so that I can type AND dust at the SAME time!

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