Sun Sign Horoscopage 5th-11th July 2010

Uranus returns his iPad on Monday. Yes it’s shiny and new and smells of freshly cut grass, but he’s holding out for the second gen. Deep in discussion about reality and illusion, the Sun and Neptune walk past the Apple shop and see him waiting in the Customer Service queue. Stunned, it sends the unlikely duo back to square sesquiquadrate one.

In fact, know what? Keeping one eye on reality and the other on how you’d rather things were isn’t a bad way to face the week. Says the Piscean Sun, Capricorn Moon. From Thursday on it’s a bit of a busy spaghetti junction, and I feel like a chicken compelled by the power of an old joke. With added Sunday solar eclipse. I’m off to eat  my afters, have a shower, and think about it all. I’ll pop back on Facebook and Twitter with bits of stuff during the week, gawd willing.



The Universe gives you a Get Out Of Jail Free card this week, Aries, but you might have to look like a boot.


This quote from Comet in Moominland is for you this week, Taurus:
Sniff was sobbing on the ground. “The garnets,” Sniff moaned. “I didn’t get a single one.”
Snufkin sat down beside him and said kindly: “I know. But that’s how it is when you start wanting
to have things. Now I just look at them and when I go away I carry them in my head. Then my hands are always free, because I don’t have to carry a suitcase.”

Chapter 2 is called Snufkin Discovers Backpacks.


As I type this, the sky behind my chair is flat blue, brilliant gusted white, and tumbled dark grey. A bit like your week next week.


Whereas Leo is leaking involuntarily this week, you are consciously giving your shit away. Philanthropy is fine, but keep hold of your passport, house keys, and DNA.


This is a leaky week: love, funds, information, you’ll leak the lot. Not wee though, so that’s good. Carry lots of tissues and very little cash.


Look out! Jugglers!


You are the master of being oblivious to how you wind people up this week. What do you mean, what? It’s not all them.


The devil makes work for idle hands this week, Scorpio. Check your webcam settings; you might want to keep a Post-it note stuck over it, just in case.


Nudity, that’s what you need this week. And a large sheet of canvas taped to the floor, a tray of poster paint in each primary colour, and a strong desire to roll.


  • Smile
  • Nod
  • Raise your eyebrows and sigh through your nose
  • Turn one corner of your mouth down whilst giving a slight empathetic shake of the head.

Test these out in a mirror with good light. Keep your criticisms on the inside this week, Capricorn, and they might never know that you couldn’t give a monkeys’.


This week, you have an urge to go back where you came from, only via a different route. This gives your sat nav an attack of the vapours. To avoid it taking over the controls and taking you on an impromptu trip to Bath to partake of the waters, download a strong Uranian voice onto your TomTom: I recommend Bon Scott. Or Stephanie Powers.


Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

How do you feel about wasps?


Sun Sign Horoscopage 5th-11th July 2010

Distracted Astrologer feels a little bit sick now.

7 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 5th-11th July 2010”

  1. 1 nray July 4, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    God! I want what’s on that plate!

  2. 4 Anthea July 4, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    There were jugglers you know. Had to go to another park.

  3. 6 Lesley July 5, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Mucky children are happy children……I so wish! (Sag)

  4. 7 Gareth FW July 5, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    When I’m food shopping I look at all the yummy things and carry them all home in my head.

    Excerpt from ‘Snufkin Starves To Death’

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