Sun Sign Horoscopage 12th–18th July 2010

A bit sad that she’s lost the phenomenal pheromonal boobies of Sunday, Monday’s Moon pops across to the Leo house to borrow Mercury’s laptop. She cheers herself up by ordering extravagant bouquets and choccies for all.

Tuesday finds Venus and Jupiter trying to feed the other the last strawberry cream. Venus wins, Jupiter swallows (isn’t it usually the other way round?). Later, the goddess of beauty and grace is made up when Pluto silently reaches up to offer her the untouched bottom layer of his box of Black Magic.

Apart from the munching noises, all is quiet until the weekend, when restless Mercury decides to wind Saturn up by chucking his wrappers over the wall into the Virgo garden.

*

Aries

Monday finds you wearing disturbing amounts of cubic zirconia, making angular movements with your hands and elbows, and boasting about something you call your bitches. Tuesday is more forgiving than you deserve.

Taurus

Hey, sexy. What are you doing later?

Gemini

Change seems impossible, staying the same feels intolerable. Which to choose? Listen carefulchangely, the smartarse Universe is sending you the anschangewer subliminally.

Cancer

No, you don’t want what they’re having.

Leo

You know, a title would be nice, wouldn’t it. You could really carry a title. Watch your appetites on Tuesday, unless you want your title to be Empress of Blandings.

Virgo

I have part of a poem in my head. A lovely thing. It was for you this week, Virgo. It’s not my poem, it’s one I’ve stashed away a few words of in that gap between my ears. It’s either by Grace Nichols or someone who was in an anthology with Grace Nichols. Dust has a right to settle, it goes, Milk has the right to turn green. Scum and fungi are rich words. Perhaps not all of those words, and certainly not in that order. Can I find this on my shelves? Does Google turn it up? It was for you this week, but it seems to have stopped existing. Did you tidy it away? Lock it soundly in a box with the other evils of the world?

Libra

What you call ‘encouraging others to get along’ those others would call ‘a hostage situation’.

Scorpio

This week you’re not scary. Does that scare you?

Sagittarius

Mike From Accounts’ stag doo lap dance outing finally reveals to your day colleagues just what you do for a second job. You’ll feel much better with it off your chest. Which makes the tips brilliant.

Capricorn

This week, you have a Che Guevara t-shirt and you’re not afraid to use it. I’m amazed. Are you feeling okay?

Aquarius

Whinge at your partner this week and they’ll nag right back. Yes, they’ve confiscated your purse, but what you want to spend on knickers and jollies is needed to pay your fines.

Pisces

Some people can’t be bought. This week, however, they will be yours for the price of a mint choc chip Cornetto.

*

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6 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 12th–18th July 2010”


  1. 1 GarethFW July 11, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Hoorah!

  2. 2 GarethFW July 11, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    Weyhey!

  3. 4 Morvah July 12, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Yo sista! Jew git me? His Majesty the ‘Head’ Gardener, upon being given your advice replied “What’s wrong with wallowing in mud? Very intelligent creatures!” (Blames too much strawberry ice-cream and sorbet of course). One Love!

  4. 6 Morvah July 13, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Immense! Phat!


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