Sun Sign Horoscopage 19th–25th July 2010

The folk on Correlation St have liked having Chiron kipping round at the Pisces house. The booze cupboard has made him all cuddly, and everyone likes a cuddle when they’re hurting. On Tuesday though, Chiron sobers up and staggers back to the brushed aluminium Aquarius medicine cabinet.

By Wednesday, Chiron’s so impressed with the results of two ibruprofen and an Alka Seltzer that he decides to cure everyone. And if there’s nothing to cure, dammit, he’ll find something. He knocks on the Virgo door with a bottle of homeopathic Arsenicum Album for Saturn. The misunderstood curmudgeon sighes, leaves the bottle of tiny pills on the kitchen table and quietly packs up and moves next door to the Libra house, where the centaur can’t find him.

Oblivious, on Thursday Chiron tries again, banging on the door of the Cancer house until the Sun opens up. Beaming, the centaur presses a small bottle of Lycopodium in the gas ball’s hand. Digestive remedies from a limping horseman? Bugger that, the Sun chucks his undies into a Morrison’s carrier bag and shifts to Leo’s palace. Home at last. Sat on the rococo gold throne with his feet up on a purple velvet pouf. Bliss.

Friday finds Saturn and the Sun on the phone, wondering if they diluted Chiron 1/1,000,000,000,000, would he still be as irritating.

On Saturday Jupiter turns around and his big arse blocks Pluto’s view. This one will last for a while.



Over the last few weeks you’ve attacked the roast beast of life with gusto and sucked on the bones.  A Friday desire for change finds you making lentil and chickpea curry. This leads to an enormous attack of wind and a weekend rethink.


At the beginning of next week your work colleagues will daub their naked, pallid torsos with ultramarine lightning bolts and hunt you, whooping, with a copy of Mao’s Little Red Book and a honey spoon. Spend this week practising running and hiding, and make a firm decision about which tactic works best for you.


This week you find comfort in the extraordinary qualities of ordinary tasks. Just what is it about roasting a chicken that makes you an alchemist? Probably the beard and the long cloak.


Right, listen up Fool. We’ll go through it once more: the pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true. But they broke the chalice from the palace and replaced it with a flagon with a dragon. Which has the pellet with the poison, and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true. Get it? Got it. Good.


How are you doing for mugs? On Thursday George Harrison, Steve Harley, Nina Simone, Sheryl Crowe, Bon Jovi, and Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds turn up for a cuppa. They bring iced fingers. How cool is that? Mind you shut the door quick before Coldplay arrive.


Mrs Qin’s father never thought she’d amount to much; he told her so and treated her quite foully. Mrs Qin’s response was to build, own and run West Lake, the largest Chinese restaurant in the world and the results of Mrs Qin’s bloody hard work and attention to detail. Now she supports her father and the rest of her family.

How have the last couple of years treated you, Virgo? If, like Mrs Qin, you’ve responded to ne’er sayers by serving live fried fish and learning to kill a duck by sticking a chopstick in its breast then hooking out its heart with your finger, it’ll soon be time to enjoy more beneficent times. If you’ve tended to believe stupid people when they’ve told you you’re rubbish, and acted accordingly small, it’ll be more of a chippy tea. Still nice, just not in the Guinness Book of Records.


This week you play at being your own boss. It’s such a good fit that by Wednesday it’s no longer a game. This is long-term, so settle down and make yourself comfy. Friday is perfect for ordering a couple of tasteful bamboo in-trays from John Lewis. Being organised and authoratative doesn’t have to involve beige walls and grey plastic. Phew.


I don’t understand it either: you can pull coins out of your ears, foam balls from your mouth, hankies from your nose, and the flags of all nations out of your bottom. You always know which card they picked and which cup hides the lady. You can tie magic knots in rope with your left hand, while your right makes a wristwatch vanish in a silk square. You definitely have nothing up your sleeve. Still they don’t hire you for children’s parties. Do you think it could be the gibbering homunculus that reeks of the grave that you pull out of the hat? Yeah, that bit could use work.


Typical. Just as your membership of the hellfire club is finally approved Health and Safety arrive and demand a full risk assessment. Is nobody any fun anymore?


Do stop worrying about That Thing. It’s just a thing; you won’t change it by worrying. After midweek your skin improves. So there’s that.


This week your attempts to put things right make people step away from you. The eyebrow-raising and whispering that result brings unlikely groups of people together, so, in a way, it sort-of works. Sort of. On Friday someone loves you anyway.


After Tuesday, and for a while, there’s no one needs making better. No cuts to dab or boo boos to kiss.  Even your thigh feels better. Boring, isn’t it.



10 Responses to “Sun Sign Horoscopage 19th–25th July 2010”

  1. 1 kristina July 19, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Hats and cloaks make everything better! And more magical!

  2. 3 Karen July 19, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    well, that’s the last time I shave for a profile pic, if my beard is ‘that’ obvious anyway!

  3. 5 Karen July 19, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    white and curly 😉

  4. 7 beth July 21, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Ahh, the Virgo one was quite accurate in my case. And the Scorpio horoscope made me laugh. Good work!

  5. 9 ijusnonot July 22, 2010 at 11:15 am

    I’m good at hiding.

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