Sun Sign Horoscopage 21st–27th December 2009

First thing Monday, Venus pops into Jupiter’s room with a tickle stick. Half an hour later, she takes it through to Neptune, before disappearing as quietly as she arrived. The two chaps emerge from their adjoining rooms, healthy cheeks (four pairs) aglow, to compare notes.

Mercury tweets about the sweetie stash he’s just found in the Castle Capricorn. Reading it, the Sun stuffs his loons into a backpack and moves in, leaving the Sagittarius gaff an emptier place than he found it. Why does such a good day have to be the shortest day?

Listening to Noddy Holder’s Christmas message on repeat, Mars realises he’s all alone. Rethinking his violently bombastic attitude, he emails out invites to an open House round Leo’s over Christmas.

For a few days, all through the Houses, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouses. Although those with ears to hear will pick up the quiet rustling of Quality Street wrappers. On Christmas Eve, the Sun and Pluto’s fingers meet over the last Strawberry Delight. The Sun is bigger by far, but there is something reptilian in the planetoid’s blank eyes that make him shudder and pass over to an Orange Chocolate Crunch.

Alerted by wailing and gnashing of gas-ball teeth, Venus visits the Capricorn castle on Christmas Day. Saturn has phoned up to tell the Sun Doctor Who spoilers just before it goes on air. When Venus sees the state that David Tennant’s imminent departure has reduced the Sun to, she pours a large brandy and prepares to stay for a bit. Secretly she quite fancies The Master, so really it’s no bother.

Boxing Day brings broken toys and a busy day of returns and refunds for Mercury. Does he ever learn not to scam? Elbowing that dropout Tennant in the kidneys, he jumps into the TARDIS in an attempt to travel back to happier commercial times.

On Sunday, Mars gives up. The mince pies are stale, his mulled wine has boiled dry, and nobody has visited — nobody at all. Hurt and furious he bursts out of Leo’s pleasure palace and beats up Saturn, who just happens to be the first planet he meets. Karma, Saturn.

Christmas. Ha Bumhug.

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Aries

With things at home a little lacklustre, get to work early on Monday to use a brief, one-time-only window of opportunity with that Greek chap from HR. The Moon in your sign over Christmas makes you a smothering mixture of nurturer and tinpot despot at the festive dinner table. Just pull the damn crackers — I know you wanted the fortune-telling fish but you got the mini plastic comb, deal with it. In fact, if you’re that Aries who is going to upset a nation’s Christmas Day digestion by leaving Doctor Who, I hope every cracker you ever pull has the plastic comb. Ever. Or the tiny pack of screwdrivers that break.

Taurus

You’ll be inspired to be a bit exotic and adventurous on Christmas day. Rethink currying the sprouts though, or there’s a distinct chance a pleasant evening’s digesting will be marred by a rusty mediaeval weapon of torture jammed up under your left ribs. With the boiler on the blink, the dishwasher broken down, and your bottom on anti-social overdrive, guess who gets to spend Christmas weekend alone in the kitchen, up to their armpits in tepid greasy water. Utilise last week’s free rubber glove.

Gemini

Make the most of that fabulously kinky start to your week, it’s not going to last. Venus moves out of your house of partnerships after Christmas day, and gets a sense of responsibility. The weekend brings a faint knock at the door and a snow-blown figure clutching a mewling bundle of rags. The figure asks you whether you remember that weekend in Torremolinos.

Cancer

Tesco deliver someone else’s groceries on Monday morning. You smile as you smuggle their Bolly into the garage but sign for your cornflakes and Paxo. Naughty. I sort-of like you for it. Over Christmas, your ruling planet is in Aries so expect to be a supercharged, gravy-making-delegating matriarch. Your family fights as families do over the Christmas weekend. Find peace by banishing them to Argos Customer Services with that Go Go Hamster that doesn’t.

Leo

Letting your partner tickle your belly on Monday morning charges your glory batteries. You’ll have to make it last as you’ve got a bit of a hurty paw this week Leo. Give it a good lick and get on — you’re going to have a few months to practise limping with style. Nicking the lion bar from everyone’s selection box brings simmering resentments to the boil at Christmas weekend. How loud can you roar?

Virgo

This week finds more assorted superpowers gathering in your house of play and recreation than toffees in a tin of Roses. It says something about you that even when you play, you play with a respect for the rules of the game. What’s it to be — Hat? Dog? Boot? Car? Train? Iron? Oh, say it’s not the Iron. This isn’t the best Christmas for you to be Banker, unless you feel up to the arguments and back handed deals, give that role to a Capricorn. As you deserve a break, my pressie to you this year is a Get Out Of Jail Free card. What I wanted to say there, Virgo, before I was whisked away in the burly arms of a rampant board game analogy, is that you are moving into a perfect time to revise projects, rework dreams, and have a jolly good tinker with the oily mechanics of what makes you happy.

Libra

Libra, we need you. As the Christmas crew gather in Capricorn, Saturn in your sign means you alone have the controlled empathy, the disciplined tact, the dedication to harmony needed to defuse the dinner table bomb and soothe the Returns queue at Primark. This year your Yule gift is the ability to bring about world peace: what do you mean, you wanted a diamond ring and an Ugly Betty boxset?

Scorpio

Double check you’ve unplugged everything before you leave work for the Christmas break, Scorpio, something could spark while you settle for a Boxing Day listen of the Now That’s What I Call Undead 2010. I don’t really want this week to be all about warnings, but please watch yourself at the dinner table on Christmas day. Claiming ultimate dominion of the Yorkshire pud will result in being given one less roast potato. Is it worth it? You decide.

Sagittarius

I’m looking closely at the signs. All that magic dust sprinkled on your ruler early in the week? Mars to-ing and fro-ing in the House of foreign travel? A whallop of applied energy surrounding your resources? Your general splendid bonhomie? The beard, faint whiff of reindeer poo, and capacity for mince pies? You are Father Christmas. Happy Christmas, Santa! I’ll have the sherry ready: bring batteries.

Capricorn

Your Sun is shining so brightly this week, Capricorn, you belong on the other side of the world with those strange summer people who walk around upside down. However, we could do with you here, where it’s cold. This is where you belong, putting in the effort needed to make a warm Midwinter celebration. People overlook your talent for making things real, yet you do it so well that through the millennia loads of people have staked a claim on Solstice time, your time. Whether you  celebrate Saturnalia, Dongzhi, Yule, Brumalia, Christmas, Sol Invictus, Hanukah, or Aunty Nug’s Riproaring Feast of Debauchery Illegality Lechery and General Needlecraft, it’s a good time for a knees-up. Cheers!

Aquarius

Christmas comes early this year, Aquarius, with an gift of a fruity Sunday night and a saucy Monday morning dream. The 25th itself can go two ways: either your pressies and dinner will appear apparently by magic, or you will do all the hard work for no recognition. If it’s the former, imagine how the latter would feel and remember to thank the workers. If it’s the latter, sod the lot of them, leave the washing up, and go to bed with a bottle of cava and a Star Trek DVD.

Pisces

You have such a reputation for acting needy, my lovely fish, that the better of you can be reluctant to cry for help when you really need it. There’s a real difference between being a helpless victim and benefitting from practical help from a friend. This week sees a real need for the latter. How you’ve acted in the past will decide whether your Christmas present is to have your flock of sheep saved by the townspeople, or to be eaten alive by a Wolf.

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