What is it with Venus and Mondays? Didn’t it used to be Mercury? Where the hell is Mercury these days, anyway? This week it’s the Sun’s keys that Venus pulls out of the bowl, and they spend the first chunk of the week finding new ways to shine. Uranus’ sticky textbook on the subject helps.
The walls of Capricorn’s castle might be thick, but the windows of Aquarius’ modern mews are wide open, so Chiron and Neptune hear everything that’s going on. They refuse to admit it has given them the start of an idea.
Saturn too hears what’s going on in his home, and retreats for a few months R&R: retrenchment and re-evaluation.
On Friday — oh, there’s Mercury — the Moon drifts dreamily in on the Sun and Venus. Quick to preserve the lady’s modesty — though the lady couldn’t give a monkey’s, she’s Venus, her boobs are on postcards everywhere — the Sun leaps in front of the Moon, um, mooning him, in fact.
The weekend is spent sleeping in, apart from the Moon who, dazzled and not particularly with it to begin with, wanders across to the Aquarius mews, muttering something about annular and Saros Series 12 North. You had to be there, really.
Helluva week, this week. Helluva.
*
Aries
This week you’re Douglas Adams. Not dead on a treadmill with a head full of ideas we’ll never know how much we’re the poorer for missing, but sharing his love of deadlines — specifically, the whooshing sound they make as they fly past. This week obligations will surround you, demanding the work you promised to have finished. Wednesday provides an original place to hide, so carry a torch and a tatty paperback. Even your significant other won’t be able to find you. Unless they’re Libran. The right wish on Friday will generate a robot with a brain the size of a small planet, which will finish all your tasks for you then sigh very deeply.
Taurus
That thing you do behind your boss’s back to vent frustration and relieve stress? The wind changes on Wednesday and you stay like that. Grab your chance to make a wish to change on Friday morning or you’ll be used as a contemporary loo roll holder until June.
Gemini
There’s something about you this week that makes me want to sew your gloves to a long piece of wool and thread it through your coat sleeves, just to make sure your hands stay warm in this cold, cold weather. And I’m mean — imagine what those more generous want to give you. Early in the week, take advantage of the Universe’s wish to help take care of you by asking for something you really really want, really really: polo mints, pornography, a puppy, promotion, why not? Be daring with your request, because from next week the shine quite wears off your ambition.
Cancer
Forget you’re a secret despot this week, Cancer, it’s the time to share good things with someone close. If you haven’t got anyone close to share with, grab the nearest vicar on Wednesday. He might wriggle a bit but hold on tight til Friday and he’ll come round. Or asphyxiate with a smile on his face.
Leo
Demonstrating how you can still do the splits on Monday brings a watercooler accident and a round of applause at work. Uncanny really, because on Wednesday you are remembered in a will, specifically in recognition of your splits expertise and the joy it brought. You spend the latter part of the week showing your partner your party trick. Ta Daa, you’ve still got it.
Virgo
Work put in hasn’t been getting the usual results lately. Have you kept on pushing or have you said sod it and put your feet up for a while? If the latter, you should be okay this week. If the former, watch that tickle at the back of your throat early in the week. It might not be the start of another cold, but your body politely coughing for your attention. There has to be a balance between work and rest. If you’re not deciding to rest occasionally your body will demand it: a cough, a fever, a headache, a twisted ankle, broken wrist. A lorry. Dammit, there are many ways you could be commanded to rest if you don’t make the decision to do so. These roads are too skiddy for risks, so please put that kettle on. Go on, say sod it.
Libra
Okay, checklist time. What do you want help with doing? First thing on Monday give your orders for stuff to be done around the house: bathtubs sealed, hinges oiled, kitchens fitted, you get the idea. Midweek, act firm to the kids* and they’ll listen. If they don’t, make your voice a bit lower and speak from the belly; that should do it. I know this might not come natural, but trust me, it’s worth it. If you leave anything to be done after this week you will do it alone, as your big red authority button is about to stop working until well into the summer. Really it stops working on Wednesday, but a New Moon eclipse push on Friday could just about get those skirtings painted.
*I can think of two Libran kids who share a Libran mum. Don’t worry, you can all order your Saggy dad around, he could do with the structure this week.
Scorpio
Just when things were getting a bit stale; just when you were wondering whether there was anything you had yet to try, anything you hadn’t wrung dry, anything left to raise your heart rate and pump hot blood into all your chilly limp wintering forgotten spaces, along comes this week. Consider the boiler fixed.
Sagittarius
You are full of half-arsed ideas this week. That’s not a bad thing, half-arsed ideas are bottomless fairytale stew pots of potential, and some of my very favourite things, but I’m not the one you need to convince, am I. Grab your jacket and a friend to round them out. Nothing better than a pub and a pint for a half-arsed idea.
*Unless you are the Saggy with the wholly Libran family, above. If so: 1) serves you right, what were you thinking? 2)Sealing the bath and painting the skirtings can do a lot for filling out those bright ideas. Yes, they can so.
Capricorn
This week gives you a singular opportunity for taking on what others can’t handle and getting recognised and rewarded for it. Command and be obeyed. Direct and be respected. Bid and be … bided? Bode? Whatever, instruct and be heeded, FOR YOU ARE KRONOS, RULER OF TIME! What was that? Saturn turns retrograde on Wednesday? Oh bugger, best make the most of it, eh.
Aquarius
I saw this and thought of you (link opens a Youtube video. Worksafe, unless you work in juggling ball protection services) Don’t do any of it this week, you don’t need to, unless you lose your keys. Just walk tall, like you know you can do it all if you wanted to.
Pisces
We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, says Stephen Covey, We are spiritual beings on a human journey. Whatever, Pisces, this week is all about remembering your bus pass and hoping you don’t have to sit next to the old bloke in the grey anorak. Spiritual or human, he still smells of poo and mushrooms.
*
Distracted Astrologer 
Sod it.
Word. Well, two words, but word.
Loo roll holder is not an ambition of mine.